The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 24 – Behn · Library Across
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 24The Fourth Pleasure
18
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 24
The Fourth Pleasure
BehnEnglish
The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest.
As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling stars.
It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.
You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!
Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there, coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.
And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant, should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when her husband is gone from home.
And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is needful for his occasion from his Wife.
Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be gotten forward or gone backward in the World.
And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &c.
With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name but cannot obtain the effect.
In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.
And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.
Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.
In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease of some friend, &c.
Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a pain, patience is the best remedy.
But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young Toby, have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.
And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.
These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.
But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half finished are weary of it. Therefore
_To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,
For many do repent, untill that they be dead;
But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,
A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._
