Of course, I had always known that a medical examination was a necessary preliminary to insurance, but in my own case I had expected the thing to be the merest formality. The doctor, having seen at a glance what a fine, strong, healthy fellow I was, would look casually at my tongue, apologise for having doubted it, enquire genially what my grandfather had died of, and show me to the door. This idea of mine was fostered by the excellent testimonial which I had written myself at the Company's bidding. "Are you suffering from any constitutional disease?--No. Have you ever had gout?--No. Are you deformed?--No. Are you of strictly sober and temperate habits?--No," I mean Yes. My replies had been a model of what an Assurance Company expects. Then why the need of a doctor?
However, they insisted.
The doctor began quietly enough. He asked, as I had anticipated, after the health of my relations. I said that they were very fit; and, not to be outdone in politeness, expressed the hope that his people, too, were keeping well in this trying weather. He wondered if I drank much. I said, "Oh, well, perhaps I will," with an apologetic smile, and looked round for the sideboard. Unfortunately he did not pursue the matter....
"And now," he said, after the hundredth question, "I should like to look at your chest."
I had seen it coming for some time. In vain I had tried to turn the conversation--to lead him back to the subject of drinks or my relations. It was no good. He was evidently determined to see my chest. Nothing could move him from his resolve.
Trembling, I prepared for the encounter. What terrible disease was he going to discover?
He began by tapping me briskly all over in a series of double knocks. For the most part one double-knock at any point appeared to satisfy him, but occasionally there would be no answer and he would knock again. At one spot he knocked four times before he could make himself heard.
"This," I said to myself at the third knock, "has torn it. I shall be ploughed," and I sent an urgent message to my chest, "For 'eving's sake do something, you fool! Can't you hear the gentleman?" I suppose that roused it, for at the next knock he passed on to an adjacent spot....
"Um," he said, when he had called everywhere, "um."
"I wonder what I've done," I thought to myself. "I don't believe he likes my chest."
Without a word he got out his stethoscope and began to listen to me. As luck would have it he struck something interesting almost at once, and for what seemed hours he stood there listening and listening to it. But it was boring for me, because I really had very little to do. I could have bitten him in the neck with some ease ... or I might have licked his ear. Beyond that, nothing seemed to offer.
I moistened my lips and spoke.
"Am I dying?" I asked in a broken voice.
"Don't talk," he said. "Just breathe naturally."
"I am dying," I thought, "and he is hiding it from me." It was a terrible reflection.
"Um," he said and moved on.
By and by he went and listened behind my back. It is very bad form to listen behind a person's back. I did not tell him so, however. I wanted him to like me.
"Yes," he said. "Now cough."
"I haven't a cough," I pointed out.
"Make the noise of coughing," he said severely.
Extremely nervous, I did my celebrated imitation of a man with an irritating cough.
"H'm! h'm! h'm! h'm!"
"Yes," said the doctor. "Go on."
"He likes it," I said to myself, "and he must obviously be an excellent judge. I shall devote more time to mimicry in future. H'm! h'm! h'm!..."
The doctor came round to where I could see him again.
"Now cough like this," he said. "Honk! honk!"
I gave my celebrated imitation of a sick rhinoceros gasping out its life. It went well. I got an encore.
"Um," he said gravely, "um." He put his stethoscope away and looked earnestly at me.
"Tell me the worst," I begged. "I'm not bothering about this stupid insurance business now. That's off, of course. But--how long have I? I must put my affairs in order. Can you promise me a week?"
He said nothing. He took my wrists in his hands and pressed them. It was evident that grief over-mastered him and that he was taking a silent farewell of me. I bowed my head. Then, determined to bear my death-sentence like a man, I said firmly, "So be it," and drew myself away from him.
However, he wouldn't let me go.
"Come, come," I said to him, "you must not give way"; and I made an effort to release one of my hands, meaning to pat him encouragingly on the shoulder.
He resisted....
I realized suddenly that I had mistaken his meaning, and that he was simply feeling my pulses.
"Um," he said, "um," and continued to finger my wrists.
Clenching my teeth, and with the veins starting out on my forehead, I worked my pulses as hard as I could.
"Ah," he said, as I finished tying my tie; and he got up from the desk where he had been making notes of my disastrous case, and came over to me. "There is just one thing more. Sit down."
I sat down.
"Now cross your knees."
I crossed my knees. He bent over me and gave me a sharp tap below the knee with the side of his hand.
My chest may have disappointed him.... He may have disliked my back.... Possibly I was a complete failure with my pulses.... But I knew the knee-trick.
This time he should not be disappointed.
I was taking no risks. Almost before his hand reached my knee, my foot shot out and took him fairly under the chin. His face suddenly disappeared.
"I haven't got that disease," I said cheerily.
BACHELOR RELICS
"Do you happen to want," I said to Henry, "an opera hat that doesn't op? At least it only works on one side."
"No," said Henry.
"To any one who buys my opera hat for a large sum I am giving away four square yards of linoleum, a revolving book-case, two curtain rods, a pair of spring-grip dumb-bells, and an extremely patent mouse-trap."
"No," said Henry again.
"The mouse-trap," I pleaded, "is unused. That is to say, no mouse has used it yet. My mouse-trap has never been blooded."
"I don't want it myself," said Henry, "but I know a man who does."
"Henry, you know everybody. For Heaven's sake introduce me to your friend. Why does he particularly want a mouse-trap?"
"He doesn't. He wants anything that's old. Old clothes, old carpets, anything that's old he'll buy."
He seemed to be exactly the man I wanted.
"Introduce me to your fellow clubman," I said firmly.
That evening I wrote to Henry's friend, Mr. Bennett. "Dear Sir," I wrote, "if you would call upon me to-morrow I should like to show you some really old things, all genuine antiques. In particular I would call your attention to an old opera hat of exquisite workmanship and a mouse-trap of chaste and handsome design. I have also a few yards of Queen Anne linoleum of a circular pattern which I think will please you. My James the First spring-grip dumb-bells and Louis Quatorze curtain-rods are well known to connoisseurs. A genuine old cork bedroom suite, comprising one bath-mat, will also be included in the sale. Yours faithfully."
On second thoughts I tore the letter up and sent Mr. Bennett a postcard asking him to favour the undersigned with a call at 10.30 prompt. And at 10.30 prompt he came.
I had expected to see a bearded patriarch with a hooked nose and three hats on his head, but Mr. Bennett turned out to be a very spruce gentleman, wearing (I was sorry to see) much better clothes than the opera hat I proposed to sell him. He became businesslike at once.
"Just tell me what you want to sell," he said, whipping out a pocket-book, "and I'll make a note of it. I take anything."
I looked round my spacious apartment and wondered what to begin with.
"The revolving book-case," I announced.
"I'm afraid there's very little sale for revolving book-cases now," he said, as he made a note of it.
"As a matter of fact," I pointed out, "this one doesn't revolve. It got stuck some years ago."
He didn't seem to think that this would increase the rush, but he made a note of it.
"Then the writing-desk."
"The what?"
"The Georgian bureau. A copy of an old twentieth-century escritoire."
"Walnut?" he said, tapping it.
"Possibly. The value of this Georgian writing-desk, however, lies not in the wood but in the literary associations."
"Ah! My customers don't bother much about that, but still--whose was it?"
"Mine," I said with dignity, placing my hand in the breast pocket of my coat. "I have written many charming things at that desk. My 'Ode to a Bell-push,' my 'Thoughts on Asia,' my----"
"Anything else in this room?" said Mr. Bennett. "Carpet, curtains----"
"Nothing else," I said coldly.
We went into the bedroom and, gazing on the linoleum, my enthusiasm returned to me.
"The linoleum," I said, with a wave of the hand.
"Very much worn," said Mr. Bennett.
I called his attention to the piece under the bed.
"Not under there," I said. "I never walk on that piece. It's as good as new."
He made a note. "What else?" he said.
I showed him round the collection. He saw the Louis Quatorze curtain-rods, the cork bedroom suite, the Cæsarian nail-brush (quite bald), the antique shaving-mirror with genuine crack--he saw it all. And then we went back into the other rooms and found some more things for him.
"Yes," he said, consulting his note-book. "And now how would you like me to buy these?"
"At a large price," I said. "If you have brought your cheque-book I'll lend you a pen."
"You want me to make you an offer? Otherwise I should sell them by auction for you, deducting ten per cent commission."
"Not by auction," I said impulsively. "I couldn't bear to know how much, or rather how little, my Georgian bureau fetched. It was there, as I think I told you, that I wrote my Guide to the Round Pond. Give me an inclusive price for the lot, and never, never let me know the details."
He named an inclusive price. It was something under a hundred and fifty pounds. I shouldn't have minded that if it had only been a little over ten pounds. But it wasn't.
"Right," I agreed. "And, oh, I was nearly forgetting. There's an old opera hat of exquisite workmanship, which----"
"Ah, now, clothes had much better be sold by auction. Make a pile of all you don't want and I'll send round a sack for them. I have an auction sale every Wednesday."
"Very well. Send round to-morrow. And you might--er--also send round a--er--cheque for--quite so. Well, then, good morning."
When he had gone I went into my bedroom and made a pile of my opera hat. It didn't look very impressive--hardly worth having a sack specially sent round for it. To keep it company I collected an assortment of clothes. It pained me to break up my wardrobe in this way, but I wanted the bidding for my opera hat to be brisk, and a few preliminary suits would warm the public up. Altogether it was a goodly pile when it was done. The opera hat perched on the top, half of it only at work.
To-day I received from Mr. Bennett a cheque, a catalogue, and an account. The catalogue was marked "Lots 172-179." Somehow I felt that my opera hat would be Lot 176. I turned to it in the account.
"Lot 176--Six shillings."
"It did well," I said. "Perhaps in my heart of hearts I hoped for seven and sixpence, but six shillings--yes, it was a good hat."
And then I turned to the catalogue.
"Lot 176--Frock-coat and vest, dress-coat and vest, ditto, pair of trousers and opera hat."
"And opera hat." Well, well. At least it had the position of honour at the end. My opera hat was starred.
LORDS TEMPORAL
We have eight clocks, called after the kind people who gave them to us. Let me introduce you: William, Edward, Muriel, Enid, Alphonse, Percy, Henrietta, and John--a large family.
"But how convenient," said Celia. "Exactly one for each room."
"Or two in each corner of the drawing-room. I don't suggest it; I just throw out the idea."
"Which is rejected. How shall we arrange which goes into which room? Let's pick up. I take William for the drawing-room; you take John for your workroom; I take----"
"Not John," I said gently. John is---- John overdoes it a trifle. There is too much of John; and he exposes his inside--which is not quite nice.
"Well, whichever you like. Come on, let's begin. William."
As it happened, I particularly wanted William. He has an absolutely noiseless tick, such as is suitable to a room in which work is to be done. I explained this to Celia.
"What you want for the drawing-room," I went on, "is a clock which ticks ostentatiously, so that your visitors may be reminded of the flight of time. Edward is a very loud breather. No guest could fail to notice Edward."
"William," said Celia firmly.
"William has a very delicate interior," I pleaded. "You could never attend to him properly. I have been thinking of William ever since we had him, and I feel that I understand his case."
"Very well," said Celia, with sudden generosity; "Edward. You have William; I have Alphonse for the dining-room; you have John for your bedroom; I have Enid for mine; you----"
"Not John," I said gently. To be frank, John is improper.
"Well, Percy, then."
"Yes, Percy. He is young and fair. He shall sit on the chest of drawers and sing to my sock-suspenders."
"Then Henrietta had better go in the spare room, and Muriel in Jane's."
"Muriel is much too good for Jane," I protested. "Besides, a servant wants an alarm clock to get her up in the morning."
"You forget that Muriel cuckoos. At six o'clock she will cuckoo exactly six times, and at the sixth 'oo' Jane brisks out of bed."
I still felt a little doubtful, because the early morning is a bad time for counting cuckoos, and I didn't see why Jane shouldn't brisk out at the seventh "oo" by mistake one day. However, Jane is in Celia's department, and if Celia was satisfied I was. Besides, the only other place for Muriel was the bathroom; and there is something about a cuckoo-clock in a bathroom which--well, one wants to be educated up to it.
"And that," said Celia gladly, "leaves the kitchen for John." John, as I think I have said, displays his inside in a lamentable way. There is too much of John.
"If Jane doesn't mind," I added. "She may have been strictly brought up."
"She'll love him. John lacks reserve, but he is a good time-keeper."
And so our eight friends were settled. But, alas, not for long. Our discussion had taken place on the eve of Jane's arrival; and when she turned up next day she brought with her, to our horror, a clock of her own--called, I think, Mother. At any rate, she was fond of it and refused to throw it away.
"And it's got an alarm, so it goes in her bedroom," said Celia, "and Muriel goes into the kitchen. Jane loves it, because she comes from the country, and the cuckoo reminds her of home. That still leaves John eating his head off."
"And, moreover, showing people what happens to it," I added severely. (I think I have already mentioned John's foible.)
"Well, there's only one thing for it; he must go under the spare-room bed."
I tried to imagine John under the spare-room bed.
"Suppose," I said, "we had a nervous visitor ... and she looked under the bed before getting into it ... and saw John.... It is a terrible thought, Celia."
However, that is where he is. It is a lonely life for him, but we shall wind him up every week, and he will think that he is being of service to us. Indeed, he probably imagines that our guests prefer to sleep under the bed.
Now, with John at last arranged for, our family should have been happy; but three days ago I discovered that it was William who was going to be the real trouble. To think of William, the pride of the flock, betraying us!
As you may remember, William lives with me. He presides over the room we call "the library" to visitors and "the master's room" to Jane. He smiles at me when I work. Ordinarily, when I want to know the time, I look at my watch; but the other morning I happened to glance at William. He said "twenty minutes past seven." As I am never at work as early as that, and as my watch said eleven-thirty, I guessed at once that William had stopped. In the evening--having by that time found the key--I went to wind him up. To my surprise he said "six-twenty-five." I put my ear to his chest and heard his gentle breathing. He was alive and going well. With a murmured apology I set him to the right time ... and by the morning he was three-quarters of an hour fast.
Unlike John, William is reticent to a degree. With great difficulty I found my way to his insides, and then found that he had practically none to speak of at all. Certainly he had no regulator.
"What shall we do?" I asked Celia.
"Leave him. And then, when you bring your guests in for a smoke, you can say, 'Oh, don't go yet; this clock is five hours and twenty-three minutes fast.'"
"Or six hours and thirty-seven minutes slow. I wonder which would sound better. Anyhow, he is much too beautiful to go under a bed."
So we are leaving him. And when I am in the mood for beauty I look at William's mahogany sides and am soothed into slumber again ... and when I want to adjust my watch (which always loses a little), I creep under the spare-room bed and consult John. John alone of all our family keeps the correct time, and it is a pity that he alone must live in retirement.
THE MISSING CARD
What I say is this: A man has his own work to do. He slaves at the office all day, earning a living for those dependent on him, and when he comes home he may reasonably expect not to be bothered with domestic business. I am sure you will agree with me. And you would go on to say, would you not, that, anyhow, the insuring of his servants might safely be left to his wife? Of course you would! Thank you very much.
I first spoke to Celia about the insuring of the staff some weeks ago. Our staff consists of Jane Parsons the cook, the first parlourmaid (Jane) and Parsons the upper housemaid. We call them collectively Jane.
"By the way," I said to Celia, "I suppose Jane is insured all right?"
"I was going to see about it to-morrow," said Celia.
I looked at her in surprise. It was just the sort of thing I might have said myself.
"I hope she won't be unkind about it," I went on. "If she objects to paying her share, tell her I am related to a solicitor. If she still objects, er--tell her we'll pay it ourselves."
"I think it will be all right. Fortunately, she has no head for figures."
This is true. Jane is an excellent cook, and well worth the £75 a year or whatever it is we pay her; but arithmetic gives her a headache. When Celia has finished dividing £75 by twelve, Jane is in a state of complete nervous exhaustion, and is only too thankful to take the nine-and-sixpence that Celia hands over to her, without asking any questions. Indeed, anything that the Government wished deducted from Jane's wages we could deduct with a minimum of friction--from income-tax to a dog-licence. A threepenny insurance would be child's play.
Three weeks later I said to Celia--
"Has an inspector been to see Jane's card yet?"
"Jane's card?" she asked blankly.
"The insurance card with the pretty stamps on."
"No.... No.... Luckily."
"You mean----"
"I was going to see about it to-morrow," said Celia.
I got up and paced the floor. "Really," I murmured, "really." I tried the various chairs in the room, and finally went and stood with my back to the fire-place. In short, I behaved like a justly incensed master-of-the-house.
"You know what happens," I said, when I was calm again, "if we neglect this duty which Parliament has laid upon us?"
"No."
"We go to prison. At least, one of us does. I'm not quite sure which."
"I hope it's you," said Celia.
"As a matter of fact I believe it is. However, we shall know when the inspector comes round."
"If it's you," she went on, "I shall send you in a file, with which you can cut through your chains and escape. It will be concealed in a loaf of bread, so that your gaolers shan't suspect."
"Probably I shouldn't suspect either, until I had bitten on it suddenly. Perhaps you'd better not bother. It would be simpler if you got Jane's card to-morrow instead."
"But of course I will. That is to say, I'll tell Jane to get it herself. It's her cinema evening out."
Once a week Jane leaves us and goes to a cinema. Her life is full of variety.
Ten days elapsed, and then one evening I said---- At least I didn't. Before I could get it out Celia interrupted:
"No, not yet. You see, there's been a hitch."
I curbed my anger and spoke calmly.
"What sort of a hitch?"
"Well, Jane forgot last Wednesday, and I forgot to remind her this Wednesday. But next Wednesday----"
"Why don't you do it yourself?"
"Well, if you'll tell me what to do I'll do it."
"Well--er--you just--you--I mean--well, they'll tell you at the post-office."
"That's exactly how I keep explaining it to Jane," said Celia.
I looked at her mournfully.
"What shall we do?" I asked. "I feel quite hopeless about it. It seems too late now to do anything with Jane. Let's get a new staff and begin again properly."
"Lose Jane?" cried Celia. "I'd sooner go to prison--I mean I'd sooner you went to prison. Why can't you be a man and do something?"
Celia doesn't seem to realize that I married her with the sole idea of getting free of all this sort of bother. As it is, I nearly die once a year in the attempt to fill up my income-tax form. Any traffic in insurance cards would, my doctor says, be absolutely fatal.
However, something had to be done. Last week I went into a neighbouring post-office in order to send a telegram. The post-office is an annexe of the grocer's where the sardines come from on Jane's cinema evening. Having sent the telegram, I took a sudden desperate resolve. I--I myself--would do something.
"I want," I said bravely, "an insurance stamp."
"Sixpenny or sevenpenny?" said the girl, trying to put me off my balance at the very beginning.
"What's the difference?" I asked. "You needn't say a penny, because that is obvious."
However, she had no wish to be funny.
"Sevenpenny for men-servants, sixpenny for women," she explained.
I wasn't going to give away our domestic arrangements to so near a neighbour.
"Three sixpenny and four sevenpenny," I said casually, flicking the dust off my shoes with a handkerchief. "Tut, tut, I was forgetting Thomas," I added. "Five sevenpenny."
I took the stamps home and showered them on Celia.
"You see," I said, "it's not really difficult."
"Oh, you angel! What do I do with them?"
"Stick them on Jane," I said grandly. "Dot them about the house. Stamp your letters with them--I can always get you plenty more."
"Didn't you get a card too?"
"N-no. No, I didn't. The fact is, it's your turn now, Celia. You get the card."
"Oh, all right. I--er--suppose you just ask for a--a card?"
"I suppose so. And--er--choose a doctor, and--er--decide on an approved society, and--er--explain why it is you hadn't got a card before, and--er---- Well, anyhow, it's your turn now, Celia."
"It's really still Jane's turn," said Celia, "only she's so stupid about it."
But she turned out to be not so stupid as we thought. For yesterday there came a ring at the bell. Feeling instinctively that it was the inspector, Celia and I got behind the sofa ... and emerged some minutes later to find Jane alone in the room.
"Somebody come to see about an insurance card or something," she said. "I said you were both out, and would he come to-morrow."
Technically I suppose we were both out. That is, we were not receiving.
"Thank you, Jane," I said stiffly. I turned to Celia. "There you are," I said. "To-morrow something must be done."
"I always said I'd do it to-morrow," said Celia.
SILVER LININGS
"We want some more coal," said Celia suddenly at breakfast.
"Sorry," I said, engrossed in my paper, and I passed her the marmalade.
"More coal," she repeated.
I pushed across the toast.
Celia sighed and held up her hand.
"Please may I speak to you a moment?" she said, trying to snap her fingers. "Good; I've caught his eye. We want----"
"I'm awfully sorry. What is it?"
"We want some more coal. Never mind this once whether Inman beat Hobbs or not. Just help me."
"Celia, you've been reading the paper," I said in surprise. "I thought you only read the feuill--the serial story. How did you know Inman was playing Hobbs?"
"Well, Poulton or Carpentier or whoever it is. Look here, we're out of coal. What shall I do?"
"That's easy. Order some more. What do you do when you're out of nutmegs?"
"It depends if the nutmeg porters are striking."
"Striking! Good heavens, I never thought about that." I glanced hastily down the headlines of my paper. "Celia, this is serious. I shall have to think about this seriously. Will you order a fire in the library? I shall retire to the library and think this over."
"You can retire to the library, but you can't have a fire there. There's only just enough for the kitchen for two days."
"Then come and chaperon me in the kitchen. Don't leave me alone with Jane. You and I and Jane will assemble round the oven and discuss the matter. B-r-r-r. It's cold."
"Not the kitchen. I'll assemble with you round the electric light somewhere. Come on."
We went into the library and rallied round a wax vesta. It was a terribly cold morning.
"I can't think like this," I said, after fifteen seconds' reflection. "I'm going to the office. There's a fire there, anyway."
"You wouldn't like a nice secretary," said Celia timidly, "or an office girl, or somebody to lick the stamps?"
"I should never do any work if you came," I said, looking at her thoughtfully. "Do come."
"No, I shall be all right. I've got shopping to do this morning, and I'm going out to lunch, and I can pay some calls afterwards."
"Right. And you might find out what other people are doing, the people you call on. And--er--if you should be left alone in the drawing-room a moment ... and the coal-box is at all adjacent.... You'll have your muff with you, you see, and---- Well, I leave that to you. Do what you can."
I had a good day at the office and have never been so loth to leave. I always felt I should get to like my work some time. I arrived home again about six. Celia was a trifle later, and I met her on the mat as she came in.
"Any luck?" I asked eagerly, feeling in her muff. "Dash it, Celia, there are nothing but hands here. Do you mean to say you didn't pick up anything at all?"
"Only information," she said, leading the way into the drawing-room. "Hallo, what's this? A fire!"
"A small involuntary contribution from the office. I brought it home under my hat. Well, what's the news?"
"That if we want any coal we shall have to fetch it ourselves. And we can get it in small amounts from greengrocers. Why greengrocers, I don't know."
"I suppose they have to have fires to force the cabbages. But what about the striking coal porters? If you do their job, won't they picket you or pickaxe you or something?"
"Oh, of course, I should hate to go alone. But I shall be all right if you come with me."
Celia's faith in me is very touching. I am not quite so confident about myself. No doubt I could protect her easily against five or six great brawny hulking porters ... armed with coal-hammers ... but I am seriously doubtful whether a dozen or so, aided with a little luck, mightn't get the better of me.
"Don't let us be rash," I said thoughtfully. "Don't let us infuriate them."
"You aren't afraid of a striker?" asked Celia in amazement.
"Of an ordinary striker, no. In a strike of bank-clerks, or--or chess-players, or professional skeletons, I should be a lion among the blacklegs; but there is something about the very word coal porter which---- You know, I really think this is a case where the British Army might help us. We have been very good to it."
The British Army, I should explain, has been walking out with Jane lately. When we go away for week-ends we let the British Army drop in to supper. Luckily it neither smokes nor drinks nor takes any great interest in books. It is a great relief, on your week-ends in the country, to know that the British Army is dropping in to supper, when otherwise you might only have suspected it. I may say that we are rather hoping to get a position in the Army Recruiting film on the strength of this hospitality.
"Let the British Army go," I said. "We've been very kind to him."
"I fancy Jane has left the service. I don't know why."
"Probably they quarrelled because she gave him caviare two nights running," I said. "Well, I suppose I shall have to go. But it will be no place for women. To-morrow afternoon I will sally forth alone to do it. But," I added, "I shall probably return with two coal porters clinging round my neck. Order tea for three."
Next evening, after a warm and busy day at the office, I put on my top-hat and tail-coat and went out. If there was any accident I was determined to be described in the papers as "the body of a well-dressed man"; to go down to history as "the remains of a shabbily dressed individual" would be too depressing. Beautifully clothed, I jumped into a taxi and drove to Celia's greengrocer. Celia herself was keeping warm by paying still more calls.
"I want," I said nervously, "a hundredweight of coal and a cauliflower." This was my own idea. I intended to place the cauliflower on the top of a sack, and so to deceive any too-inquisitive coal porter. "No, no," I should say, "not coal; nice cauliflowers for Sunday's dinner."
"Can't deliver the coal," said the greengrocer.
"I'm going to take it with me," I explained.
He went round to a yard at the back. I motioned my taxi along and followed him at the head of three small boys who had never seen a top-hat and a cauliflower so close together. We got the sack into position.
"Come, come," I said to the driver, "haven't you ever seen a dressing-case before? Give us a hand with it or I shall miss my train and be late for dinner."
He grinned and gave a hand. I paid the greengrocer, pressed the cauliflower into the hand of the smallest boy, and drove off....
It was absurdly easy.
There was no gore at all.
"There!" I said to Celia when she came back. "And when that's done I'll get you some more."
"Hooray! And yet," she went on, "I'm almost sorry. You see, I was working off my calls so nicely, and you'd been having some quite busy days at the office, hadn't you?"
THE ORDER OF THE BATH
"We must really do something about the bath," said Celia.
"We must," I agreed.
At present what we do is this. Punctually at six-thirty or nine, or whenever it is, Celia goes in to make herself clean and beautiful for the new day, while I amuse myself with a razor. After a quarter of an hour or so she gives a whistle to imply that the bathroom is now vacant, and I give another one to indicate that I have only cut myself once. I then go hopefully in and find that the bath is half full of water; whereupon I go back to my room and engage in Dr. Hugh de Sélincourt's physical exercises for the middle-aged. After these are over I take another look at the bath, discover that it is now three-eighths full, and return to my room and busy myself with Dr. Archibald Marshall's mental drill for busy men. By the time I have committed three Odes of Horace to memory, it may be low tide or it may not; if not, I sit on the edge of the bath with the daily paper and read about the latest strike--my mind occupied equally with wondering when the water is going out and when the bricklayers are. And the thought that Celia is now in the dining-room eating more than her share of the toast does not console me in the least.
"Yes," I said, "it's absurd to go on like this. You had better see about it to-day, Celia."
"I don't think--I mean, I think--you know, it's really your turn to do something for the bathroom."
"What do you mean, my turn? Didn't I buy the glass shelves for it? You'd never even heard of glass shelves."
"Well, who put them up after they'd been lying about for a month?" said Celia. "I did."
"And who bumped his head against them the next day? I did."
"Yes, but that wasn't really a useful thing to do. It's your turn to be useful."
"Celia, this is mutiny. All household matters are supposed to be looked after by you. I do the brain work; I earn the money; I cannot be bothered with these little domestic worries. I have said so before."
"I sort of thought you had."
You know, I am afraid that is true.
"After all," she went on, "the drinks are in your department."
"Hock, perhaps," I said; "soapy water, no. There is a difference."
"Not very much," said Celia.
By the end of another week I was getting seriously alarmed. I began to fear that unless I watched it very carefully I should be improving myself too much.
"While the water was running out this morning," I said to Celia, as I started my breakfast just about lunch-time, "I got Paradise Lost off by heart, and made five hundred and ninety-six revolutions with the back paws. And then it was time to shave myself again. What a life for a busy man!"
"I don't know if you know that it's no----"
"Begin again," I said.
"--that it's no good waiting for the last inch or two to go out by itself. Because it won't. You have to--to hoosh it out."
"I do. And I sit on the taps looking like a full moon and try to draw it out. But it's no good. We had a neap tide to-day and I had to hoosh four inches. Jolly."
Celia gave a sigh of resignation.
"All right," she said, "I'll go to the plumber to-day."
"Not the plumber," I begged. "On the contrary. The plumber is the man who stops the leaks. What we really want is an unplumber."
We fell into silence again.
"But how silly we are!" cried Celia suddenly. "Of course!"
"What's the matter now?"
"The bath is the landlord's business! Write and tell him."
"But--but what shall I say?" Somehow I knew Celia would put it on to me.
"Why, just--say. When you're paying the rent, you know."
"I--I see."
I retired to the library and thought it out. I hate writing business letters. The result is a mixture of formality and chattiness which seems to me all wrong.
My first letter to the landlord went like this:--
"DEAR SIR,--I enclose cheque in payment of last quarter's rent. Our bath won't run out properly. Yours faithfully."
It is difficult to say just what is wrong with that letter, and yet it is obvious that something has happened to it. It isn't right. I tried again.
"DEAR SIR,--Enclosed please find cheque in payment of enclosed account. I must ask you either to enlarge the exit to our bath or to supply an emergency door. At present my morning and evening baths are in serious danger of clashing. Yours faithfully."
My third attempt had more sting in it:--
"DEAR SIR,--Unless you do something to our bath I cannot send you enclosed cheque in payment of enclosed account. Otherwise I would have. Yours faithfully."
At this point I whistled to Celia and laid the letters before her.
"You see what it is," I said. "I'm not quite getting the note."
"But you're so abrupt," she said. "You must remember that this is all coming quite as a surprise to him. You want to lead up to it more gradually."
"Ah, perhaps you're right. Let's try again."
I tried again, with this result:--
"DEAR SIR,--In sending you a cheque in payment of last quarter's rent I feel I must tell you how comfortable we are here. The only inconvenience--and it is indeed a trifling one, dear Sir--which we have experienced is in connection with the bathroom. Elegantly appointed and spacious as this room is, commodious as we find the actual bath itself, yet we feel that in the matter of the waste-pipe the high standard of efficiency so discernible elsewhere is sadly lacking. Were I alone I should not complain; but unfortunately there are two of us; and, for the second one, the weariness of waiting while the waters of the first bath exude drop by drop is almost more than can be borne. I speak with knowledge, for it is I who----"
I tore the letter up and turned to Celia.
"I'm a fool," I said. "I've just thought of something which will save me all this rotten business every morning."
"I'm so glad. What is it?"
"Why, of course--in future I will go to the bath first."
And I do. It is a ridiculously simple solution, and I cannot think why it never occurred to me before.
A TRUNK CALL
Last Wednesday, being the anniversary of the Wednesday before, Celia gave me a present of a door-knocker. The knocker was in the shape of an elephant's head (not life-size); and by bumping the animal's trunk against his chin you could produce a small brass noise.
"It's for the library," she explained eagerly. "You're going to work there this morning, aren't you?"
"Yes, I shall be very busy," I said in my busy voice.
"Well, just put it up before you start, and then if I have to interrupt you for anything important, I can knock with it. Do say you love it."
"It's a dear, and so are you. Come along, let's put it up."
I got a small screw-driver, and with very little loss of blood managed to screw it into the door. Some people are born screwists, some are not. I am one of the nots.
"It's rather sideways," said Celia doubtfully.
"Osso erry," I said.
"What?"
I took my knuckle from my mouth.
"Not so very," I repeated.
"I wish it had been straight."
"So do I; but it's too late now. You have to leave these things very largely to the screw-driver. Besides, elephants often do have their heads sideways; I've noticed it at the Zoo."
"Well, never mind. I think it's very clever of you to do it at all. Now then, you go in, and I'll knock and see if you hear."
I went in and shut the door, Celia remaining outside. After five seconds, having heard nothing, but not wishing to disappoint her, I said, "Come in," in the voice of one who has been suddenly disturbed by a loud "rat-tat."
"I haven't knocked yet," said Celia from the other side of the door.
"Why not?"
"I was admiring him. He is jolly. Do come and look at him again."
I went out and looked at him again. He really gave an air to the library door.
"His face is rather dirty," said Celia. "I think he wants some brass polish and a--and a bun."
She ran off to the kitchen. I remained behind with Jumbo and had a little practice. The knock was not altogether convincing, owing to the fact that his chin was too receding for his trunk to get at it properly. I could hear it quite easily on my own side of the door, but I felt rather doubtful whether the sound would penetrate into the room. The natural noise of the elephant--roar, bark, whistle, or whatever it is--I have never heard, but I am told it is very terrible to denizens of the jungle. Jumbo's cry would not have alarmed an ant.
Celia came back with flannels and things and washed Jumbo's face.
"There!" she said. "Now his mother would love him again." Very confidently she propelled his trunk against his chin and added, "Come in."
"You can hear it quite plainly," I said quickly.
"It doesn't re--rever--reverberate--is that the word?" said Celia, "but it's quite a distinctive noise. I'm sure you'd hear it."
"I'm sure I should. Let's try."
"Not now. I'll try later on, when you aren't expecting it. Besides, you must begin your work. Good-bye. Work hard." She pushed me in and shut the door.
I began to work.
I work best on the sofa; I think most clearly in what appears to the hasty observer to be an attitude of rest. But I am not sure that Celia really understands this yet. Accordingly, when a knock comes at the door I jump to my feet, ruffle my hair, and stride up and down the room with one hand on my brow. "Come in," I call impatiently, and Celia finds me absolutely in the throes. If there should chance to be a second knock later on, I make a sprint for the writing-desk, seize pen and paper, upset the ink or not as it happens, and present to any one coming in at the door the most thoroughly engrossed back in London.
But that was in the good old days of knuckle-knocking. On this particular morning I had hardly written more than a couple of thousand words--I mean I had hardly got the cushions at the back of my head comfortably settled when Celia came in.
"Well?" she said eagerly.
I struggled out of the sofa.
"What is it?" I asked sternly.
"Did you hear it all right?"
"I didn't hear anything."
"Oh!" she said in great disappointment. "But perhaps you were asleep," she went on hopefully.
"Certainly not. I was working."
"Did I interrupt you?"
"You did rather; but it doesn't matter."
"Oh, well, I won't do it again--unless I really have to. Good-bye, and good luck."
She went out and I returned to my sofa. After an hour or so my mind began to get to work, and I got up and walked slowly up and down the room. The gentle exercise seemed to stimulate me. Seeing my new putter in the corner of the room, I took it up (my brain full of other things) and, dropping a golf ball on the carpet, began to practise. After five or ten minutes, my ideas being now quite clear, I was just about to substitute the pen for the putter when Celia came in.
"Oh!" she said. "Are--are you busy?"
I turned round from a difficult putt with the club in my hand.
"Very," I said. "What is it?"
"I don't want to disturb you if you're working----"
"I am."
"But I just wondered if you--if you liked artichokes."
I looked at her coldly.
"I will fill in your confession book another time," I said stiffly, and I sat down with dignity at my desk and dipped the putter in the ink.
"It's for dinner to-night," said Celia persuasively. "Do say. Because I don't want to eat them all by myself."
I saw that I should have to humour her.
"If it's a Jerusalem artichoke you mean, yes," I said; "the other sort, no. J. Arthur Choke I love."
"Right-o. Sorry for interrupting." And then as she went to the door, "You did hear Jumbo this time, didn't you?"
"I believe that's the only reason you came in for."
"Well, one of them."
"Are you coming in again?"
"Don't know," she smiled. "Depends if I can think of an excuse."
"Right," I said. "In that case----"
There was nothing else for it; I took up my pen and began to work.
But I have a suggestion to make to Celia. At present, although Jumbo is really mine, she is having all the fun with him. And as long as Jumbo is on the outside of the door there can never rise an occasion when I should want to use him. My idea is that I should unscrew Jumbo and put him on the inside of the door, so that I can knock when I come out.
And then when Celia wants to come in she will warn me in the old-fashioned way with her knuckles ... and I shall have time to do something about it.
