"No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."
She--They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.
He--Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.
BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"
PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"
BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."
"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"
"We fell out."
"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"
"No."
"It's a beautiful tale."
"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"
"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"
"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."
"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"
"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old maid."
"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."
"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances."
"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have the most money."
"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"
"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it."
"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."
"What did you have?"
"Three aces, jedge, and----"
"What did Jim do?"
"Jim, he drew."
"What did he draw?"
"He drew a razzer, jedge."
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"
"Yes, husband."
"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"
"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the lawyer.
"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.
"You swear that this is true?"
"I do."
"Would you bet on it?"
"Er--well--yes, if I got the right odds."
"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"
"From the head of the bed."
MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?"
MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."
SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"
HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."
SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"
HE--"To stop it stopping."
"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."
"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."
"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball."
"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."
SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone."
HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek."
SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?
CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up.
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther."
SHE--You can't eat cake and keep it.
HE--Oh, yes, you can--the kind you make.
Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.
For I never can raise it myself."
SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great amusement of cabby.
SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.
GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?
He said to her: "You're just a bird!"
"Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,
"If all is true that I have heard,
A bottle goes with me."
A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It ought to take.
As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started guiltily.
"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the pitcher.
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour."
MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown."
"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"
She sang in plaintive key;
And all the neighbors yelled,
"So are we! so are we."
"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"
"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."
"And what's S.D.?"
"Swift divorce, of course."
A watch's fate is hard indeed,
For when it's not in soak
It's set back if it gets ahead
And scorned whene'er it's broke.
After wedding a rich heiress, Price
Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice,
But one thing I know,
This matching for dough
Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."
Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.
The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye.
I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't."
REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged."
TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged."
"What is a swell affair, Jim?"
"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know--a boil."
"Something else, try again."
"No, give it up."
"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and besides all hills have got crests."
"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to know whin yez don't want to know it."
"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link! Where did he find it?"
"Under the bureau, I understand."
"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should remember that 'haste' makes waist."
"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.
"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.
"What is the cause?" we asked eagerly.
"Ploughing."
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell.
A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr,"
She seemed such an amiable hephyr.
When the farmer drew near,
She kicked off his ear,
And now the old farmer's much dephyr.
"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for four nights o' the week."
How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop.
IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York."
MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline."
IDA--"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March' now."
When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the males in the audience go out to follow suit.
"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."
"What?"
"Those interested in it don't need it."
"Don't need what?"
"Trust. They can pay cash."
A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in length.
Full many a coat tail that is long and wide
Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.
The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives you a pane."
"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."
A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the axe-sent."
Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.
"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been shaving myself."
An emblem of tenuity
We witness every day;
Behold the corset-and you'll see
The whale-bone comes to STAY.
HE--Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was really cheap?
SHE--Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to one of them.
TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross."
WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum."
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."
WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!"
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a "regular beat" for a bosom friend.
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."
HE--The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.
SHE--Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.
HE--Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.
SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last night.
HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.
FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"
HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."
Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender.
PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again."
MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?"
PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut the rope."
It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch."
"So Maude is happily married?"
"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring.
Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!"
"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you."
A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."
The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.
The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again.
The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in beating his way.
An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity uncovers a multitude of sins.
It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.
It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.
While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others reach the height of folly.
A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have won many a jackpot.
The portrait tumbled from the wall
And hit the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" That was all
The rueful punster said.
The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"
"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."
An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning, and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious, but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."
Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light.
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins."
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."
"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."
Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five of them on the first deal.
"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"
"The barkeep, my son."
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two, Jackey?"
JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six."
"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."
"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew me down."
'Tis now the wily urchin mocks
The lynx-eyed cop along the docks,
And plunges in the cooling tide,
Arrayed in naught else but his hide.
Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped.
"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"
"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."
Each evening a good-looking Mr.
Comes around for a visit to my Sr.;
One night on the stairs,
He, all unawares,
Put his arm round her figure and Kr.
"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge. "Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a canal boat."
BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes."
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."
"And when was that, pray?"
"At the time he was bathing."
"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two."
The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."
If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite.
Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn.
Animosity evidently has it in for some of the others.
Surmise ought to keep a lot of them guessing.
BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man?
JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy."
BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.
"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.
"And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"
"To put your clothes in, of course!"
"And go naked? Not a bit iv it!"
We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack.
"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree."
"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?"
"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"
"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."
The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea.
"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to dis-purse them," said the thief.
The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."
"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?"
"Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."
A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked up a hub and spoke.
The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count.
There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.
"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"
"She gave me a turndown."
"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the school teacher.
"I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head of the class.
"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.
"I never heard of anything," answered the visitor.
"Didn't you? Every time Charley makes a bet he comes home and says there is something wrong with his system."
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."
"You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player.
Why?
He draws and fills so well.
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?"
"I never heard of scales having a name."
"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are always lying in weight."
FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets.
SECOND SENIOR--I always said he had good metal in him.
"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?"
"She's working down in a photographer's."
"Why, how does that make any difference?"
"Well, she's in the developing room most of the time."
JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?"
TOM--"Yes; but I didn't."
"Didn't what?"
"Suit her."
"What's the matter with Smith?"
"Why?"
"He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were seeing double."
"He is. They have twins at his home."
Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding.
The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
MRS. B.--Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"
MR. B.--No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
"You should sleep on your right side, madam."
"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."
There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.
The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed."
City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained."
Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?"
Broker--"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"
Barber--"Yes; don't you?"
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"
"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning.
HE--Time and tide wait for no man.
SHE--No, but a woman will.
Sing not to me of falling dew
Upon the purple hills,
For I am worried far too much
By falling due of bills.
"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."
"He did, but she dyed."
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."
"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."
"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"
"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."
DICK--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?"
TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."
What do you think of Windig?
He reminds me of a river.
What's the answer?
The biggest part of him is his mouth.
Here is a chestnut your ire arouses,
So often it's brought to your minds,
"People who live in glass houses"
Should always "pull down the blinds."
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.
A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.
"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.
"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."
"His business? What is he?"
"A photographer."
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you?
GENT--What dogs?
KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?
G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.
A simple old farmer, McVeagh,
Whom every one said was a jeagh,
Fell in with a man
On the confidence plan,
And now he is back making heagh.
"Why, the bare idea!"
"Of what, dear?"
"Telling the naked truth!"
BESS--May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now!
FRED--That certainly is one of her bad habits.
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred."
FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others?
SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled.
The rubber plant was rubb'ring round
In a manner most absurd:
The long green corn prickled up her ears
And this is what she heard:
"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"
Asked the onion of the hash,
"I'm jealous of the potato,
Because he's got a mash.
"He is stuck on the honeycomb,
And suits her to a tea,
I used to be in love myself,
But the cream has soured on me."
"Why do you call your dog hardware?"
"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."
HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player.
WIFE--Why?
HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter.
HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.
SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"
HE: No! "Fresh every hour."
LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over.
BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left over?
LANDLADY--Re-hash it!
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other."
"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal."
"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."
"Where did he get that idea?"
"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."
STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion?
PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy.
SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.
JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!
"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"
"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."
COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees?
BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.
KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?
MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it?
KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday.
"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"
"Well! Well!"
"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."
"Must have been a very heavy one."
"About four hundred tons."
"Horrible!"
"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him."
"But how about the dew?"
"Why, the train was due!"
FIRST DOCTOR--Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.
SECOND DOCTOR--What was it, please?
FIRST DOCTOR--I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever.
FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models.
DICK--What for?
FRED--To try on Parlor suits.
"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia."
"And what part is that?"
"The hole in the middle!"
FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?
GEORGE--I don't know. Why is it?
FANNIE--Because every city has outskirts.
"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"
"I know it is."
"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."
"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"
"Are you an amateur photographer?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.
PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."
MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"
SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.
TIRPIE--Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.
SHE--Why do they call it an arm of the sea?
HE--Because it hugs the shore, I guess.
The sunshine warm and budding trees,
Made Johnny feel quite gay.
He went to swim--the obsequies
Are being held to-day.
"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this morning."
"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"
"Can you swim, little boy?"
"Yes, sir."
"Where did you learn?"
"In the water, sir."
MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"
WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!"
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."
"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"
"So her second husband is a tenor?"
"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
"Then be my beau!"
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?
MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question?
JIMSON--Just to decide a bet.
CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
MAUD--"What kind is that?"
CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"
"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."
"Why, dear?"
"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."
HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"
SHE--"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."
"Why are pugilists like chickens?"
"Because they live on 'scraps!'"
MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club?
PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.
SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.
PRIMLY--Indeed! What book?
SWATTER--The directory.
"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.
CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake?
BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.
"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."
"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."
Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him."
MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he said anything."
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"
"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."
An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey--"Phwat did he say?" Casey--"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"
OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers."
O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."
Men are deceivers as a rule,
And trust them far you never can;
Though at confectioner's sometimes
You may unearth a candied man!
A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?"
"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash."
"Have you much room in your new flat?"
"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."
"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn."
She heard the fog-horn blowing,
"And what is that?" quoth she,
The sailor merrily
Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am,
Whose bark is on the sea."
"She thinks that her husband is very economical."
"In what way?"
"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time."
"I saw your sister on the street to-day."
"How was she looking?"
"I don't know. I didn't see her face."
"How did you know it was my sister?"
"Oh, I'm quick at figures."
"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.
"Push," said the Button.
"Never be led," said the Pencil.
"Take pains," said the Window.
"Always keep cool," said the Ice.
"Be up to date," said the Calendar.
"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.
"Make light of everything," said the Fire.
"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.
"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.
"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.
"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.
"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.
He kissed her on the cheek;
It seemed a harmless frolic;
He's been laid up a week--
They say, with painter's colic.
Charlemagne was in need of amusement.
"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"
"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my wits about me."
A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home.
"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father doesn't want you hanging around here."
Three women may a secret keep
If, as it has been said,
There's one of the lot has heard it not
And the other two are dead.
Lovett--You don't believe in divorce, then?
Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.
Lovett--What has that to do with it?
Hayter--I believe in a fight to the finish.
Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?"
Boston Talesman: "I have."
Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"
Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."
Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"
"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."
"That proves what I have contended right along."
"What's that?"
"That prohibition does not prohibit."
Alas, for all their ecstasy,
They knew not what was best:
The young man reached the front door,
The old man did the rest.
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"
"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."
If Pearl Street is crooked;
Is Union Square?
"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"
"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."
"By death or marriage?"
"Neither. I loaned them money."
Little Mary, quite contrary,
How does your appetite grow?
Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,
And a "friend" to supply all the dough!
HE--Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as it were?
SHE--You have said it.
HE--And is this all?
SHE--Of course it is. What more do you want--a pair of socks?
"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"
"In the barn, shoein' horses."
"Where's your mother?"
"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."
"Where's your father?"
"In the hammock, shooin' flies."
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----"
"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"
CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"
TAILOR: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."
"Mother, may I go out to wheel?"
"Yes, my darling daughter;
I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts,
Although I think you oughter."
LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer.
TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days.
"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?"
"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"
"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree, "Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?" The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark, Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week.
APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise?
BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning.
A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"
"Nearly every night," was the reply.
Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill.
TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase?
PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.
TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.
"Here lies poor Sam: and what is strange,
Grim death has worked in him a change----
He always lied and always will,
He once lied loud and now lies still."
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"
"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."
BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.
JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.
"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,"
"Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber,
'Tis jist that aich is jealous of
The beauty av its neighbor."
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once.
"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.
"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?
TOM--Sure I do.
JOHN--Glue it to the floor.
"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"
"Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose,"
He always kneeled before the maid
And kissed her finger tips;
But he lost out. Another man
Came by and kissed her lips.
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics."
"What made you think of that?"
"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"
A man and his bride by the parson were tied,
And when the performance was done,
"Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee,
"I add one to one and make one."
MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?
MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.
We're all often forced to rob Peter
In order to settle with Paul,
But some of us merely rob Peter
And Paul never sees us at all.
SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."
HE--"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."
Knock, and the world knocks with you;
Boost, and you boost alone!
When you roast good and loud
You will find that the crowd
Has a hammer as big as your own!
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"
"By the laying on of hands, principally."
"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"
"A Panaman, Johnny."
"Then what is a Panama woman?"
"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama."
He who courts and goes away,
May court again another day;
But he who weds and courts girls still
May go to court against his will.
A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:
"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the subway."
This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an Irish river:
"When this board is under water the river is unpassable."
Mary had a little lamb,
But she thought it was immense:
With new green peas and other things
It cost her ninety cents.
LITTLE WILLIE--Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car?
FATHER--I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window.
The kerosene can on the mantel reposes,
Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire,
And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is,
This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.
"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."
"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."
As he walked with baby
He had to confess
That marriage with him
Was a howling success.
THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to?
THE WIFE--Fifteen.
THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.
Seven little missionaries--
Horrible their fate--
Cannibals picked clean their bones
Then they were ate.
JUDGE--You are charged with profanity.
PRISONER--I am not.
JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean?
PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it.
"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried,
Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem
You really ought to try and hide
Your lack of self-esteem."
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?"
"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.
Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard.
Tramp--You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!
Said she, "How beautiful is nature!"
Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"
Then, added, as he viewed her complexion,
"And art is quite beautiful, too."
"How to make your trousers last,"
"Make your coat and waistcoat first."
The stork is a bird with a great big bill;
He brings us the babies whenever he will;
Then comes the doctor, and when he is through,
You find that he has a big bill, too.
"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate."
Clarence shuddered.
"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his fate, "we can board."
If t-o-u-g-h spells tough,
And d-o-u-g-h spells dough,
Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?
Or, simply snow?
THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting.
THE HUSBAND (meekly)--No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!
He called her an angel before they were wed,
But that, alas! didn't endure.
For ere many months had passed over his head,
He wished that she was one for sure.
Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)--"I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."
The Young Woman--"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. I am married now."
"These verses make no sense," said she;
"I can't tell what they mean."
"Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he,
"In any magazine."
THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before?
THE VICTIM--Yes, once.
THE BARBER--I don't remember your face.
THE VICTIM--No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.
They say the baby looks like me,
A circumstance I dreaded,
But the only likeness I can see
Is that we're both bald-headed.
"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's disposition?"
"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house that everybody got savage."
"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."
"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."
Bluff a little, bluff a little
As you go your way;
Bluffing may not always help you--
Many times it may.
Bluff a little, bluff a little;
Men may rail at you--
But you'll see by watching closely
That they're bluffing, too.
The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh.
A queen was she--the beautiful maid--
Beauty or wealth she did not lack--
But the game was euchre that Cupid played,
And the Queen was won by a Jack.
"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?"
"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!"
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"I'm going to cut the corn," she said.
"Can I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"You're no chiropodist," she said.
MEDIUM--Do you believe in spirits?
BUSYMAN (off guard)--When taken in moderation, yes.
"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend.
"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law."
The fate of Lot's wife
Was all her own fault;
She first turned to "rubber,"
And then turned to salt.
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down.
I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak."
He used to send her roses;
He sent them every hour,
But now they're married and he sends
Her home a cauliflower.
JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.
TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle.
Her face was happy,
His face was stern;
Her hand was in his'n,
His'n was in her'n.
JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."
FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."
A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him $3. Now, who's out that dollar?
"Is a howling dog a sign of death?"
Said Doolittle to Dunn.
"Of course it is, if the dog will wait
Until I get my gun."
"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours."
"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."
There was a young woman named Hannah,
Who put on a great many airs,
She stepped on a peel of banana,
And now she's laid up for repairs.
"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the English tourist.
"Field labor," answered the native American.
"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be a bit skeptical.
"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our baseball players get."
This life's a game of chance, they say:
The saw's more sad than witty,
The public gathers 'round to play,
The trust controls the "kitty."
GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me.
HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time?
GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, George."
Now comes the question which will make
This life a bitter cup....
How many hoopskirts will it take
To fill a trolley car up?
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as serene as a summer's breeze.
"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to 23 at once.'"
A recent school examination in England elicited the following definitions:
"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen." "Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a fowl."
"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the lawyer.
"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."
"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"----
"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.
"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board."
"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"----
"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to increase his reach."
An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the way and those who didn't.
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small."
"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of your ears."
Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least, remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's the harum so long as the child's healthy?"
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face.
"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" was the low, embarrassed, reply.
"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds," remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody Works but Father.'"
"I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to."
"Well?"
"She said she was looking for something better than that."
"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"
"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."
"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as he feels"----
"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of thinking they are as young as they think they feel."
At a West End hotel one of the party asked:
"Have you got any celery, waiter?"
"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."
YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs?
CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead.
A dude from St. Louis named Crute
Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!"
He said it one day
To a man in Ouray,
And that was the finish of Crute.
"How is your house heated?"
"By hot air."
"Hot air?"
"Yes--the landlord's."
"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market.
"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.
"Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.
"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the browsing goat.
"I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the fence.
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?"
"Why shouldn't he be proud?"
"Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."
"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd."
"No?"
"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike to him."--Puck.
"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"
"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to keep the figure marked down a little."
Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking.
Clara--What did she do?
Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's?
Wise--In self-defense.
Jenks--in self-defence?
Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.
There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.
Gotabug--I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength than a hundred pounds of beef.
A sporty young fellow named Phipps
Last night went to view the eclipse.
The moon looked so queer.
He set up a cheer,
The truth was he'd been taking nips.
"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. Lookyoung to her friend.
"Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting."
"I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at dinner but that he blurts out something like, 'You remember back in the old pioneer days!'"
Mary had a little waist
Where waists were meant to grow,
And everywhere the fashions went
Her waist was sure to go.
"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you really should have one, especially if you're bothered with tiresome callers."
"It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?" asked Miss May Pechis.
"Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead of saying 'cuck-koo' every quarter hour it yells: 'Go home! Go home!'"
Mike--Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the world.
Pat--What did he die of?
Mike--Oh; he wur killed in a foight.
"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water."
"Why not?"
"You'll ruin the coat of your stomach."
"Oh, well-it's an old coat, anyhow."
"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.
"Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each meal."
The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying glass and put it back in his pocket.
"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumb print in the butter."
"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?"
"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow."
"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the burning deck?"
"Not particularly. Why?"
"Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any chances, he--but you see?"
"I don't know as I do."
"Why, he stood pat."
The Governess--What happened when the man killed the goose that laid the golden egg, Margie?
Little Margie--Why, I guess his goose was cooked.
"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular."
"What has he done?"
"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon."
"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to succeed without pluck."
"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean 'plucking,' don't you?"
Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more.
Castleton--But it's the amount asked for.
"Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an hour."--Life.
Tom--What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning that you were broke.
Jack--Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only one that can borrow money.
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?"
"No, but I've seen caricatures of him."
"Oh, they flatter him. You should see him."
SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.
1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.
2--Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper.
3--The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to hire, 25c. a day.
4--Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and nails in the closet.
5--If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire escape.
6--If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the mattress and see the bed spring.
7--If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's light enough for any room.
8--Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the bed-post.
9--Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by the foundation.
J. WISE, Prop.
+-----------------------------------------------------------+ | Typographical errors corrected in text: | | | | Page 26: 'that is was' replaced with 'that it was' | | Page 28: 'She would he a' replaced with 'She would be a' | | Page 35: somethng replaced with something | | Page 39: pugulist replaced with pugilist | | Page 112: accounttant replaced with accountant | | Page 129: Hater replaced with Hayter | | | +-----------------------------------------------------------+
