Mr. Punch's Railway Book 5 – Anonymous · Library Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Railway Book 5Part 2 · On the Platform
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Railway Book 5
Part 2 · On the Platform
AnonymousEnglish
A Lady of Family. Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear. I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.
[Looks out for an empty third-class compartment.
EN ROUTE
The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner, next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner.
The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family). Sorry to disturb you, mum, but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.
The L. of F.???!!!
The E. M. (considerately). Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.
The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.). I think I've seen you about Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?
The L. of F. It is very possible. I have been staying with some friends in the neighbourhood.
The C. W. It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but (confidentially) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single 'am an' beef shop?
The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the question). What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, dear me! No ham and beef shop!
The C. W. It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?
The L. of F. (faintly). I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.
A Sententious Man. Fried fish is very sustaining.
[Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey.
The Eccentric Man. Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad 'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (Sentimentally.) He was a kind man, my father (to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly), though you wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(the L. of F. looks out of window)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (Hands that document round for inspection.) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (To the L. of F.) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry, and there's good reading in it. (Points out certain favourite passages with a very dirty forefinger.) Begin there--that's my name.
[_The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she can bring herself to assume._
The Eccentric Man. D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there? That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went to see her last week, I did. (Relates his visit in detail to the L. of F., who listens unwillingly.) It's wonderful how many of our family have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at all out of the way, you'll know what it is.
[_L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from his Fiancee as the L. of F. takes her seat._
The Fiance. Excuse me one moment, ma'am.
(Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window.)
Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.
The Fiancee (with a hysterical giggle). Oh, I'll take care o' my self.
[Looks at the roof of the carriage.
He (with meaning). No more pickled onions, eh?
She. What a one you are to remember things! (After a pause.) Give my love to Joe.
He. All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (they embrace loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of mingled sentiment and complacency). Oh, (to L. of F.) if you don't mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between this and Friday, just tell him as----
[Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;
_Final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiance upon the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiance._
The F. Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you----
[_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it on. The L. of F. recoils in horror._
Both Seafarers (reassuringly). It's wine, mum!
[_Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class humanity has its drawbacks._
Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus). "What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"
Porter. "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"
THE BRANCH STATION
Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially since the late outrages). "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where there are ladies, or respectable people, or----"
Porter. "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."]
A COOL CARD
Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party). "Aw--would you--aw--do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while we're wunning down?--I've--aw--forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising your voice--I'm pwecious deaf!"
THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!
Boy. "Second-class, sir?"
Captain. "I nevah travel second-class!"
Boy. "This way third, sir!"]
ART!
Chatty Passenger. "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o' mine,--lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,--give the horder to one of 'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!--'spare no expense!--with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe it!--after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at all!--but done by 'and!"--(with withering contempt)--"done by 'and, sir!!"
PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER
(Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!)
First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing). "I saw poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things, what will be done for 'em?" Second Shunter (at points). "Oh, the usual thing, I s'ppose--company's blessin', and a charity mangle!----Look out, mate! She's backin'!"]
BEHIND TIME
Ticket Collector. "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf ticket!" Mother (down upon him). "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now, mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"
[Exit in triumph.]
"FORCE OF HABIT"
Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of the beadle). "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"
WHY TAKE A CHILL?
If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as they did--warm as muffins!
IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.
SCENE.--A Richmond Railway Carriage.
TIME.--About 12 noon.
Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring). Hot, sir, tremendously hot.
Cool Young Party. It is warm.
C. O. G. Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98 deg. in the shade!
C. Y. P. Really! is that much?
C. O. G. Much, sir! Immense!
C. Y. P. Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.
C. O. G. Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by saying it is right, sir?
C. Y. P. I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the shade as it can in this warm weather.
[Choleric Old Gentleman collapses.
QUITE UNIMPORTANT.
Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has just helped to alight). "I beg your pardon?"
Haughty Damsel. "I did not speak!"
Thompson. "Oh--I thought you said 'Thanks'!"]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer, Janet." "Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of window, I dare say nobody will come in!"
A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION
Groom. "Beg pardon, sir,--but wos your name Tomkins?" Tomkins. "Yes!" Groom. "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry as he couldn't send the feeaton--but, as his young 'oss wanted exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"
[Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration.]
SUBURBAN HOSPITALITY.
SCENE--A mile and a half to the railway station, on a bitter winter's night.
Genial Host (putting his head out of doors). Heavens! what a night! Not fit to turn a dog out! (To the parting guest.) Well, good-night, old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.
A LUXURIOUS HABIT
Philanthropist (to railway porter). "Then what time do you get to bed?"
Porter. "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and never----"
[Train rushes in, and the parties rush off.]
HARD LINES ON INDIVIDUALS.--The compulsory purchase of land by a railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the seller's face.
"THE ROLL OF THE AGES."--The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.
"THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"
Irate Passenger (as train is moving off). "Why the ---- didn't you put my luggage in as I told you--you old ----"
Porter. "E--h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i' the wrang train!"]
Railway Porter. "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages, sir!"
Countryman. "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak' un oot then, young man!"
THE PORTER'S SLAM
[A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]
The porter has a patent "slam,"
Which smites one like a blow,
And everywhere that porter comes
That "slam" is sure to go.
It strikes upon the tym-pa-num
Like shock of dynamite;
By day it nearly makes you dumb--
It deafens you at night.
When startled by the patent "slam"
The pious "pas-sen-jare,"
Says something else that ends in "am"
(Or he has patience rare).
Not only does it cause a shock,
But--Manchester remarks--
"Depreciates the rolling stock,"
Well, that is rather larks!
That's not the point. The porter's slam
Conduces to insanity,
And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,
Drives men to loud profanity.
If Manchester the "slam" can stay
By raising of a stir,
All railway-travellers will say,
"Bully for Man-ches-ter!"
MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849
A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.
MR. PIPS HIS DIARY
Tuesday, July 31, 1849.--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her though I do not care 2d. about her! But am mightily troubled to know whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me altogether L6 2s. 6d. To the Great Western station in a cab, by reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone there for 2s. 6d. less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us, I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the Times, till one got in at Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage, and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment, and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite, notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling, and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout! Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon station.
NARCISSUS
Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer). "Oh, I'm not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty gals."
Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll soon have a carriage-full."
[Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.]
"COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"
Guest. "It's very kind of you to----"
Hosts. "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with you, and--seen the last of you----!!"]
SMALL POTATOES.--Q. Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush and City Railway like certain vegetables?
A. Because they're "Tubers."
INOPPORTUNE
Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train). "Buy a comic paper, sir?"
[Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry.]
THE TYMPANUM
(A Remonstrance at a Railway Station)
The tympanum! The tympanum!
Oh! who will save the aural drum
By softening to some gentler squeak
The whistle's shrill staccato shriek?
Oh! Engine-driver, did you know
How your blast smites one like a blow,
An inward shock, a racking strain,
A knife-like thrust of poignant pain,
Whilst groping through the tunnel murk
You would not with that fiendish jerk
Let out that sudden blast of steam
Whose screaming almost makes us scream
Thy whistle weird perchance may be
A sad and sore necessity,
But cannot Law and sense combine
To--well, in short to draw the line?--
Across the open let it shrill
From moor to moor, from hill to hill,
But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,
The station's cramped reverberant room,
A gentler, graduated blast!
Do let it loose, whilst dashing past,
So shall it spare us many a pang;
That dread explosive bursting "bang"
Which nearly splits the aural drum,
The poor long-suffering tympanum!
"THE BLOCK SYSTEM"
Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk--morning express just due). "No, I'm not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you please; and can you tell me"--(Shouts from the crowd, "Now then, mum!")--"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's 'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know, 'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it. But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know, when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the trains--and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn----"
[Bell rings. Position stormed.]
WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL
Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this excursion season.
Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to start without somebody or other exclaiming, "Now we're off!"
Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.
Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding him.
Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being broken.
Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass, and the temperature of the tropics.
Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in Bradshaw.
Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants of the company.
Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a week by the benevolence of passengers.
Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents, supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.
Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so redhilly accessible by railway.
TO THE STATION.
Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.
Wonder if that church clock is right.
Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the station.
THE STATION.
Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.
Wonder if I shall see him again.
Wonder if I shall know him when I do see him again.
Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.
Wonder where I take my ticket.
Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.
Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.
Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.
Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.
Wonder where my luggage is.
Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.
Wonder which is my train.
Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the writing-case.
Wonder if it will be "all right" as the guard says it will be.
Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper van.
Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.
Wonder if they've got the Times of the day before yesterday, which I haven't seen.
Wonder if Punch of this week is out yet.
Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.
Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.
Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to know it again.
Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage for me.
Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.
Wonder where they've put my luggage.
THE JOURNEY.
Wonder if my change is all right.
Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.
Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.
Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove off rapidly.
Wonder if any one objects to smoking.
Wonder that nobody does.
Wonder where I put my lights.
Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.
Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.
Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.
Wonder that nobody has.
Wonder when we can get some.
Wonder if there's anything in the paper.
Wonder why they don't cut it.
Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.
Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c.
Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.
Wonder where I put my ticket.
Wonder where I could have put my ticket.
Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.
Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.
Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.
Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.
Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that, too. We all wonder.
Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.
Wonder if we're going off the line.
Wonder what station we stop at first.
Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.
Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.
Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.
Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.
FIRST STATION.
Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.
Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.
Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.
Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.
Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.
Wonder where the refreshment-room is.
Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get back to my own carriage.
Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of the eight trains, on any of the eight lines, will come in suddenly.
REFRESHMENT-ROOM.
Wonder what's the best thing to take.
Wonder whether soup's a good thing.
Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my mind, and will have some tea.
Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea, twice.
Wonder if those buns are stale.
Wonder if tea goes well with buns.
Wonder what does go with buns.
Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to ask for sherry.
Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.
Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says I've got exactly a minute and a half.
Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.
Wonder if that is our bell.
Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.
Wonder how much tea and buns come to.
Wonder where I put my small change.
Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without paying.
Wonder they don't keep change ready.
Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in suddenly.
THE PLATFORM.
Wonder which is my carriage.
Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to wonder at that.
Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.
Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my carriage.
Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.
Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.
THE CARRIAGE.
Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from people crossing the rails in a large station.
Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.
Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself comfortable.
Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.
Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever had one.
Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best pocket for keeping tickets in.
Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.
THE JOURNEY (CONTINUED).
Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.
Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room and get the change out of my half-crown.
Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on wondering.
Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite neighbour wonders if it does.
Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.
Wonder what's the matter.
Wonder what it is.
Wonder what it can be.
Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.
Wonder if the engine has broken down.
Wonder if there's anything on the line.
Wonder if the express is behind us.
Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.
Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.
Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a guard.
Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.
THE JOURNEY (CONCLUDED).
Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking away with him.
Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.
Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder where their house is.
Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.
Wonder what a fly will charge.
Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder what time they dine.
Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.
Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, or left it in the cab.
Wonder if I did leave it in the cab.
Wonder if this is where I get out.
SMALL STATION.
Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon, it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or Morley Vale, the next but one.
Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.
Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back for my luggage to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.
STONNHURST.
Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.
Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.
Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.
Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.
Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley Vale.
Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.
Wonder which is the road.
Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.
Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.
Wonder what I can have done with it.
Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out my lights.
Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.
SCENE--Chancery Lane "Tube" Station.
First Lift Man. "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of a chinge!"
Second Lift Man. "What's up, then?"
First Lift Man (in impressive tones). "Got shifted to the
Bank--beginnin' Monday!"]
FOND DELUSION
First Tourist (going north). "Hullo, Tompk----"
Second Ditto (ditto, ditto). "Hsh----sh! Confound it, you'll spoil all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"]
FOR LADIES ONLY
"RESERVED CARRIAGES." (See "Day by Day" in "Daily News")
"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink at each other and a very objectionable grin."]
A DISENCHANTMENT
Northern Croesus. "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke Brown. The fact is, I've a commission for you!"
Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture). "All right--most happy--what is it to be?"
Northern Croesus. "Well--my aged grandmother is going to London by this train--and I want to put her under your protection."
PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON
Traveller. "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of security about it I rather like." (Yawns.) "Any chance of a smash to-day!?"
[Drops off to sleep!]
JUDGING BY APPEARANCES
Undersized Youth. "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp! How much?"
Clerk. "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"]
COLD COMFORT
Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late). "Porter, when do you expect that train to come in?"
Porter. "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more sure 'tis to come in the next minute."]
"THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"
OUR ARTIST'S NOTION OF WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IF THE SUGGESTION WERE ADOPTED
The saloon is Patent swing Rattles can Efficient nurse The saloon fitted with sleeping cradles be obtained guards, to look is fitted refreshment can be secured at most of after the with amusing bar, replete by wire or the large babies, travel toys, to with all baby letter. stations. by all trains. beguile delicacies. the tedium of long journeys.]
RAILWAY PUZZLE
To find the name of the station.
VICARIOUS!
(On the Underground Railway)
Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late). "Confound and D----!"
Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it). "Oh, thank you, so much!"]
UNDERGROUND RAILWAY
Old Lady. "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency would think of going down that way to it."
REGULAR IRREGULARITY
Passenger (in a hurry). "Is this train punctual?"
Porter. "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"]
"'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"
Impudent Boy (generally). "Try yer weight--only a penny!" (To lady of commanding proportions in particular.) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a hounce, mum!"
APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
First Artist. "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."
Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper). "Well, I was at Stodge's yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads--horrid raw things--a dealer came in, sir--bought 'em directly--took 'em away, wet as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some more next week."]
NECESSITIES OF LIFE
"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue, the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick--and if I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first station we stop at."
A STRIKING ATTITUDE
Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab
AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER
Diner. "Ticket."
Clerk. "What station?"
Diner. "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"]
"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"
Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly). "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"
"Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket. How much?"
"Fourpence-halfpenny--threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for yourself."
"Ah! you reckon by legs on this line."]
THE QUESTION SETTLED
Mrs. M-l-pr-p. "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"
A NEEDLESS PANIC.--Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares.
THOUGHT BY A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--Britannia used to rule the waves. She now rules the land--with lines.
(A Story of Delusive Aspirations)
1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter," said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man--probably duke! Should like to cultivate him!"
2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said. "Why--er--n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah--armour, and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones to himself.
3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the ins and outs of it. I can put you up----" "Really very good of you!" exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept----" "Put you up to no hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.
4. They alighted at the terminus. "There--there's my old hall! Hain't it a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.
RULES FOR THE RAIL
A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS
The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.
1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.
2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore.
4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.
5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.
6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class passengers.
7. The debris of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices charged to the public for excursion tickets.
9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.
10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra charge will be made to passengers using them.
11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) any director convicted of travelling by any railway.
ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES
"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"
"No, my lord."
"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."
"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third class?"
"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class tickets are for my lady and me!"]
"TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!
Dodger. "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my train!"
Codger. "Catch it, you mean."
Dodger. "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta, ta!"]
APRIL 1
Mamma. "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You know everything. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts." [For once the professor is not ready.]
UNNECESSARY REMARKS
"What! Have you missed it?"
"OVERCAST"
They were out for a day in the country--were late at the station--he left it to her to take the tickets--a horrid crowd--frightfully hot--and she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the carriage.
He (cool and comfortable). "How charming the yellow gorse----"
She (in a withering tone). "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I s'ppose!"
[Tacet!]
A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE
Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons). "Won't yer make room for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"
PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK
Railway Gatesman. "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer ladyship a waitin'."
Noble Countess. "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"
Railway Gatesman. "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo these ten minutes!"]
Station-Master ("bit of a wag"). "N-no, sir, not that I've---- ah!--yes--now I think of it, sir--that's fresh paint you're leaning agai----!"
[Violent pas seul, with language to match.]
BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE
The man who got in at Blackfriars
Was smoking the foulest of briars,
But it went out all right--
Could I give him a light?--
Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars.
I've frequently noticed the Temple
Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;
And that's why I've made
This verse somewhat blank,
And rather disregarded the metre.
How do you pronounce Charing Cross?
It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.
Some people, of course,
Would rhyme it with "horse,"
But I always rhyme it with "hoss."
A woman at Westminster Bridge
Had got just a speck on the ridge
Of her Romanesque nose.
"It's a black, I suppose,"
She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge.
One man from the Park of St. James,
Had really the loftiest aims;
In the hat-rack he sat,
Used my hair as a mat,
And when I demurred called me names.
I bought from the stall at Victoria
A horrible sixpenny story, a
Book of a kind
It pained me to find
For sale at our English emporia.
I found when I got to Sloane Square
That my ticket was gone; my despair
Was awful to see,
Till at last to my glee
I looked in my hat--it was there!
A REAL GRIEVANCE
Porter at Junction. "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."
SO LIKELY!
SCENE--Bar of a railway refreshment-room.
Barmaid. "Tea, sir?"
Mr. Boozy. "Tea!!! ME!!!!"]
AS SHYLOCK SAID.--Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount. "Give me my principal, and let me go."
A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION
Small Boy. "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."
[Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket
Clerk. "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"
Small Boy (indignantly). "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"
Clerk. "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"]
A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS
By breathing on the glass--and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to the window--you may generally keep your compartment select.
SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE
If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their wedding-tour.
If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.
If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A. R. A., is going to Brittany in search of subjects.
If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain.
If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the Detective Police) to follow the same route taken by Captain Bubble en voyage for Spain.
If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and family are engaged in "doing" Europe.
If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.
If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, you may know that Mr. Punch is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.
ADJUSTMENT
Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter). "Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"
Old Jinks. "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"]
Passenger. "Well, you say you've put all my luggage safe, what are you waiting for?--I thought you were forbidden to take money!"
Porter. "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it--it's 'given to us!'"
SONG FOR ENGINE-DRIVERS BEFORE A COLLISION.--"Whistle--and I'll come to you, my lad."
"READING between the lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a train coming.
THE HIGH-METALLED RACER.--A locomotive engine.
A DEFINITION WANTED
"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"
"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"]
MY SEASON TICKET
Ever against my breast,
Safe in my pocket pressed,
Ready at my behest,
Daintily pretty
Gilt-printed piece of leather,
Though fair or foul the weather,
Daily we go together
Up to the City.
Yet, as I ride at ease,
Papers strewn on my knees,
And I hear "Seasons, please!"
Shouted in warning:
Pockets I search in vain
All through and through again;
"Pray do not stop the train--
Lost it this morning.
No, I have not a card,
Nor can I pay you, guard--
Truly my lot is hard,
This is the reason,
Now I recall to mind
Changing my clothes, I find
I left them all behind,--
Money, cards, 'season.'"
MOTTO FOR THE SOUTH-EASTERN COMPANY'S REFRESHMENT ROOMS.--"O Swallow, Swallow, flying, flying south!"
AN INQUIRING MIND
"Is this our train, aunty?"
"No, dear."
"Whose train is it?"]
If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the design of the locomotives, &c., as above.]
MASHONALAND RAILWAY
["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging for the station at that place."--Daily Telegraph.]
Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.]
AT A RAILWAY STATION
Never the time and the train
And the station all together!
My watch--set "fast" in vain!
Slow cab--and foggy weather!
I have missed the express again.
It was all the porter's fault, not mine,
But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,
His slowness and red tape combine
To make him take about a week
To label my bag--and he dared to speak,
When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!
O epithet all incarnadine,
Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!
It is simply past
All bounds--aghast
My indignation scarce hold I can.
My watch may have helped to thus mislead,
My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;
But still, however these things may be,
Out there on the platform wrangle we--
Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,
--I and he!
SYMPATHY
Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been "catching it" from the elder lady). "Mother-'n-law?"
Wilkins (in still fainter whisper). "Ye'"
Passenger. "'Got just such 'nother!"
[They console together at the next buffet.]
THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE
The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal blackguardism finds "sanctuary."
The one duty of a guard--as of a watch--is to "keep time." He is not expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.
No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute can violently force his way into it.
When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for future operations.
Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and horse-play of the most offensive character.
The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.
To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and his sympathisers--if any--would be as tedious as superfluous; but the combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and holloaing, declare that he can't stop to interfere, his business being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to "keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing "Rule Britannia" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've had in the Hunderground."
Ticket Clerk. "Where for, ma'am?"
Old Lady. "There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot. Oh! mister, please run over a few of the willages on this railway, will yer?"
[Bell rings--Old Lady is swept away.]
YE RAILWAY STATION DURING YE HOLIDAY TIME IN YE ROMAN PERIOD
(From a rare old frieze (not) in ye British Museum)
"WAR'S ALARMS"
Timorous Old Lady (in a twitter). "Are those cannon balls, station-master?"
Station-Master (compassionately). "Oh no, mu'm, they're only Dutch cheeses, 'm', come by the Rotterdam boat last night--that's all, mu'm!"]
THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER
A sketch at Aldersgate Street Station
TERMINUS TRIOLETS
At Charing Cross.
To Paris by the tidal train.
Here, register this luggage, quick!
Why, all the world seems going, Jane,
To Paris by the tidal train.
It's blowing quite a hurricane;
I hope, my love, you won't be sick.
To Paris by the tidal train.
Here, register this luggage, quick!
At Euston.
By Jove, I've run it precious near,
Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear,
By Jove, I've run it precious near.
Holloa!--that gun-case--hand it here,
The hat-box in the van can go.
By Jove, I've run it precious near!
Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
At Liverpool Street.
Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
Oh, policeman, please to let us pass!
Six wholes, three halves, all second class,
To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass
Of people. Do come on, Matilda.
Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
At Victoria.
Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
I like to travel at my ease;
Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
We're running down to breathe the breeze,
I can't from business go too far.
Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
At Paddington.
Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray;
Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
How could he know we're wed to-day?
Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
My darling, hide that white bouquet;
My head with champagne fumes is spinning.
Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
At Waterloo.
Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more;
You'll write to mother now and then?
A sign from sea is sweet on shore,
Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more.
Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore,
Red eyes are never meant for men.
Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more;
You'll write to mother now and then?
BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
