Mr. Punch's Railway Book 2 – Anonymous · Library Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Railway Book 2Part 1 · Chapter 1
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Railway Book 2
Part 1 · Chapter 1
AnonymousEnglish
SCENE--Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger, apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit, seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness.
The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously). Yer saw that gentleman I was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he was?
First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who sets a certain value on his conversation). Well, he didn't look much like the Archbishop of Canterbury.
The S. He's a better man than 'im! That was Brasher, the middling weight! he giv' me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, he did!
First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence). Ah! did he, though?
The S. He did; I went up to him, and I sez, "Excuse me," I sez, like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"
First P. (with superiority). He wouldn't like that--being taken for a German.
The S. (solemnly). Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (hazily) one word brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd seen Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!
First P. Well, I won't ask you to do that.
The S. (firmly). Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton--'e's a good man, 'e is--'e is a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks 'isself about! But if I was to pass my opinion, it 'ud be this--Killivan's in it for science, he ain't in it to take anything; you may take that from me!
First P. (objecting to be treated as an ingenu). It's not the first time I've heard of it, by a long way.
The S. Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (putting his hand on First P.'s knee). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?
First P. (his dignity a little ruffled). I will--if it's anything in reason.
The S. It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this--Sulton brought Killivan out. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I know this myself--one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!
First P. (axiomatically). Every man's a mug who turns a good business up.
The S. Yer right! And (moralising) it ain't all 'oney with that sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put to the test, you're not a moneyed man--no more than I am myself?
First P. (not altogether flattered). Well--that's as may be.
The S. But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't know yer.
First P. (modestly). I used to be in it at one time.
The S. (confidentially). I'm in it now. I don't get my livin' by it, though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am--to a certain extent. I've been in America. There's a country now--they don't over-tax like they do 'ere!
First P. (sympathetically). There you 'ave touched a point--we're taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is charged----
The S. Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer myself.
First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and condescension). There you are, then.
The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe). I 'ope I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?
First P. Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where I go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another--you're setting your coat alight.
The S. I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but I can go into company where they are, d'ye see?
First P. (shortly). I see.
The S. (with fresh misgivings). You'll excuse me if I've taken a libbaty with yer!
First P. (with a stately air). We settled all that just now.
The S. (after a scrutiny). I tell yer what my idear of you is--that you're a Toff!
First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily). No, no--there's nothing of the toff about me!
The S. (defiantly). Well, you're a gentleman, anyway?
First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable). We can all of us be that, so long as we behave ourselves.
The S. (much pleased by this sentiment). Right agen! give us yer 'and--if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't like that!
First P. (shifting about). Quite so--quite so, of course!
The S. Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could take my part!
First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment). I--I hope we'll keep off that.
The S. (devoutly). So do I! I 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer never know what may bring it on--and there it is, d'ye see! You and me might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my day. Do you doubt my word?--if so, say it to my face!
First P. I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.
The S. I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me in a word! If you're bent on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's all I can tell you!
First P. (giving himself up for lost). But I'm not bent on a row--qu--quite otherwise!
The S. You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put up, I'm--'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?
First P. (eagerly). Yes--make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on this line!
The S. (completely mollified). Then I'll say good-bye to yer. (Tenderly.) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.
First P. We--we'll hope so--good day to you, wish you luck!
The S. (solemnly). Lord love yer! (Pausing at door.) I 'ope you don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I never fall out----
[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of relief._
NOT QUITE UP TO DATE
Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop). "Ar don't know if it'd make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave a fallen down!"
NOTES OF TRAVEL
Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer). "Gif me two dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come back!"
IN THE UNDERGROUND
Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend). "Fancy finding you in the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a wretched journey! But one never does meet people when one wants to!"
"TOUT VIENT A QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"
Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-class passengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"
Guard. "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away y' go!!"]
A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE
Traveller. "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"
Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling). "I'm the clerk."
Traveller. "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for London?"
Boy. "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and sometimes another."]
TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the operation.
Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got into a smoking compartment). "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope, mum?"
Old Lady. "Yes, I do object, very strongly!"
Workman. "Oh! Then out you get!!"]
A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S
(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)
SCENE--Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller.
Male Traveller. A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.
Fem. T. (after a pause). As you have no one to present you, I must ask "if you are any lady's husband?"
Male T. (with a sigh). Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!
Fem. T. (drily). That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable.
Male T. No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?
Fem. T. (calmly). I have no experience. I am a spinster.
Male T. (smiling). Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?
Fem. T. (quickly). Because there was no room anywhere else.
Male T. Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking compartment.
Fem. T. Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.
Male T. Why! don't you object to a cigar?
Fem. T. Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!
[Red fire and tobacco.
Male T. (after a pause). I have it on my conscience to make a correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.
Fem. T. (annoyed). Then you are married!
Male T. (with intention). Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody's betrothed.
Fem. T. (regardless of grammar). Who's somebody?
Male T. (smiling). Think of your own name.
Fem. T. What next?
Male T. Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in exchange. (Train arrives at a station.)
Guard (without). All change!
[And later on they do.
THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash.
A NON-SEQUITUR
Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare). "I suppose now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"
Shoeblack. "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch a train, gives me sixpence!"
[_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards, couldn't see the connection._]
THE TWOPENNY TUBE
"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"
"No; all our tickets are alike."
"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"]
HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING
Stout Party (rather hot). "Hope you don't find the breeze too much, sir?"
Fellow Passenger. "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"]
Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage). "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"
Porter. "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [Hint taken.]
IN A SLOW TRAIN
"Look out for squalls"--on land or sea--
Where duty or where pleasure calls,
A golden rule it seems to be,
Look out for squalls.
Yet in a train that slowly crawls
Somehow it most appeals to me.
For then sometimes, it so befalls,
An infant on its mother's knee
In my compartment Fate installs--
Which makes a nervous man, you see,
Look out for squalls!
RAILWAY MAXIMS
(Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company)
Delays are dangerous.
A train in time saves nine.
Live and let live.
After a railway excursion, the doctor.
Do not halloo till you are out of the train.
Between two trains we fall to the ground.
Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.
A director is known by the company he keeps.
A railway train is the thief of time.
There is no place like home--but the difficulty is to get there.
The farther you go, the worse is your fare.
It's the railway pace that kills.
The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."
A railway is long, but life is short--and generally the longer a railway, the shorter your life.
A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.--Disappointed Porter (to Mate). I thought you said he was a gentleman.
Mate. No, that's where you mistook me. I said he was a gent.
Sylvanus. "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we manage it with a drag now and then!"
Urbanus. "Oh--er--yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"
"THERE BE LAND RATS"
Jack Ashore. "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these railway stations, I've heard!"
AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY--ON THE INNER CIRCLE
Guard. "Where are you for?"
Old Gent. "I'm oright--Edgware Road."
Guard. "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three times!"]
RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS
We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. He calls:
To the Third Class.--Fortissime.--"Tickets, tickets; come get your tickets ready."
To the Second Class.--Forte.--"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready, gents."
To the First Class.--Piano.--"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."
THE H GRATUITOUS
Lady. "Can I book through from here to Oban?"
Well-educated Clerk (correcting her). "Holborn, you mean. No; but you can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"]
EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.
By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached to any servants of the company)
Collisions four
Or five she bore,
The signals wor in vain;
Grown old and rusted,
Her biler busted,
And smash'd the Excursion Train.
"Her End Was Pieces."
EPITAPH FOR A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--"His life was spent on pleasant lines."
MUDDLEBY JUNCTION
Overworked Pointsman (puzzled). "Let's see!--there's the 'scursion' were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the 'mineral,'--no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'--or the 'cattle.' No! that were after,--cattle's shunting now. Let's see!--fast train came through at----Con-found!--and here comes 'the express' afore its time, and blest if I know which line she's on!!"
TEA IN TEN MINUTES
(A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION)
AIR--"Thee, Thee, only Thee"
Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,
And longingly we've long been thinking
Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
The marble slabs we gather round.
They're long in bringing what is wanted,
The china cup with draught em-brown'd,
Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted
By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!
Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.
Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!
At last! The infusion's rayther dark.
But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!
One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!
Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!
Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!
More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!
Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!
"Take your seats, please!" Can't touch the Tea!
Cup to the carriage must not take;
Crockery may be lost, or broken;
Refreshment sharks are wide awake.
But--many a naughty word is spoken
O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!
BEHIND THE SCENES
Head Barmaid. "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt--been on the counter for a fortnight! Would you mind taking them into the second-class refreshment-room?"
A LUSUS MACHINER--AE
Chatty Passenger. "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx cats, is it not?"
