Mr. Punch's Railway Book 1 – Anonymous · Library Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Railway Book 1Opening pages
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Railway Book 1
Opening pages
AnonymousEnglish
MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
WITH 160 ILLUSTRATIONS
BY PHIL MAY,
GEORGE DU MAURIER,
CHARLES KEENE,
JOHN LEECH,
SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
E. T. REED,
L. RAVENHILL,
J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
REGINALD CLEAVER,
AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY
LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN
A WORD AT STARTING
ONLY a few years before MR. PUNCH began his long and brilliant career had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present time MR. PUNCH has not failed to find in the railway and its associations "a source of innocent merriment."
It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of PUNCH literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways, and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous advantages which the present generation enjoys in this great matter of comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where MR. PUNCH in his wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway system MR. PUNCH has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable contrast to the not very distant past.
To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things," literary and pictorial, that have appeared in MR. PUNCH'S pages on the subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!
MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
RAILWAY JOKES
As Played Daily on the Principal Lines
Turning Business into Pleasure.--Take a traveller pressed for time, and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train arrives at the junction, start off the second train en route for Town. The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.
The Panic-stricken Passengers.--Allow an express train to arrive at the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will (again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in the train, the fun will become fast and furious.
A Lark in the Dark.--Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.
A Comical Meal.--On a long journey promise that the train shall stop at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for three-quarters of an hour.
The Strange Companions.--Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.
A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the Passengers).--Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault. Verb. sap.
"Half third return to Brixton, please."
"Half! What's your age?"
"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."]
Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station) "'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"
Minor R.O. (with dignity). "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."
Friend (impressed). "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" Minor R.O. "Well, I can't say as I _saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!"_]
AN EXCITING TIME
Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and he is left alone with a dangerous lunatic!! (It was only little Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)
A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN
SCENE--A third-class carriage. TIME--Three hours before the next station. DRAMATIS PERSONAE--Jones and Robinson.
"It's the last!--and it's a Taendstickor. It'll only strike on the box!"
"Strike it on the box, then;--but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"
"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"]
"WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.
Passenger (in second class). "I think I've got into the wrong carriage."
Ticket Inspector (sternly). "The difference must be paid!"
Passenger (triumphantly). "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for three shillings--I've a first-class ticket!"]
A REMINDER
Old Lady. "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage in?--the big portmantle and----"
Porter. "All right, mum."
Old Lady. "And you're certain I've not left anything behind----"
Porter. "No, mum, not even a copper!"]
NOTES OF TRAVEL
The Cunard "Special" full speed for London
John Bull (of the World in general). "There is nothing to be alarmed at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"
Jonathan (from the West in particular). "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that. I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"]
Impatient Traveller. "Er--how long will the next train be, portah?"
Porter. "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."
THE LEVEL CROSSING
"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"
"No, mum."
"And no more trains on the down line?"
"No, mum."
"Is there no special train?"
"No, mum."
"Nor an excursion train?"
"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."
"You're quite sure?"
"Yes, mum."
"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"]
Old Maid. "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"
Obliging Passenger. "No, mum. 'Igher up!"
THE MISSING SPINSTER
You may boast your great improvements,
Your inventions and your "movements,"
For those who stay at home, and those who travel;
But arrangements for the latter
Are so complex, that the matter
Makes them dotty as a hatter
To unravel.
There was once an ancient lady
Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,
Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.
So in fear and trepidation
She sought out her destination,
And betook her to the station--
Waterloo.
She took her little ticket
And she did not fail to stick it
With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.
Another moment found her
With a plenty to astound her--
For she'd notice-boards all round her,
And above!
So she studied every number
On those sign-posts that encumber
All the station; and she learned them one by one;
But she found the indication
Of the platforms of the station
Not much use as information
When she'd done.
In her shocking state of fluster
Little courage could she muster,
Yet of porters she accosted one or two;
But, too shy to claim attention,
And too full of apprehension,
She could get no one to mention
"Which for Trew."
So she trudged through every station--
"North," "South," "Main,"--in quick rotation,
And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";
Like some hapless new Pandora
She sat down a-gasping for a
Little hope to live on--or a
Plate o' soup.
'Mid the bustle and the hissing
An old maiden lady's "Missing"--
In some corner of the complicated maze;
And round about she's gliding
In unwilling, hideous hiding,
On the platform, loop, or siding,
In a craze.
And still they cannot find her,
For she leaves no trace behind her
At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;
But she passes like a comet
With the myst'ry of Mahomet--
Her course unknown--and from it
Not a clue!
MOST OFFENSIVE
Railway Porter. "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"
A RAILWAY COLLUSION--A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS
Porter. "Now, then, Bill! are you off?"
Cab Ruffian. "No; what sort of fare is it?"
Porter. "Single gent, with small bag."
Ruffian. "Oh, he won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"]
CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS.
"Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on by the Scotch Express."
RATHER 'CUTE.--Small but Sharp Passenger. "Look here! You didn't give me the right change just now!"
Clerk. "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your ticket!"
Passenger. "Should I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!" [Exit.
(illustration)
SMOKING COMPARTMENT
WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS
THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX
UNDERGROUND STUDIES]
Stoker. "Wery sorry to disturb yer at supper, ladies, but could yer oblige me with a scuttle o' coals for our engine, as we've run short of 'em this journey?"
REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY
"No smoking allowed." Of course, but I am going to enjoy my cigar in silence.
"Want the window closed." Very sorry, but I can't find a cathedral.
"Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a newspaper.
"Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you; he alone has power to issue free tickets.
"Do I mind the draught?" Not when I am attending to the chessman.
"Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower middle class.
"Is this right for Windsor?" Yes, if it's not left for somewhere else.
"Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have sandwiches at the counter.
"Isn't this first-class?" Quite excellent--first-rate--couldn't be better!
"I want to go second." Then you had better follow me.
"I am third." Indeed! And who were first and second.
"I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be anywhere else.
THE WAY OF THE WHIRLED.--The rail-way.
"VERY HARD LINES."--The railways.
Passenger. "What's the matter, guard?"
Guard (with presence of mind). "Oh, nothing particular, sir. We've only run into an excursion train!"
Passenger. "But, good gracious! there's a train just behind us, isn't there?"
Guard. "Yes, sir! But a boy has gone down the line with a signal; and it's very likely they'll see it!"
METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.
The party that never says, "Thank | The party that always says, you!" | "Thank you!"
When you open the door, shut the window, or give up your seat for her.]
THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION
(1845)
Pity the sorrows of a third-class man,
Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er,
Who for his fare has paid you all he can:
Cover him in, and let him freeze no more!
This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks,
So does the puddle reaching to my knees;
Behold my pinch'd red nose--my shrivell'd cheeks:
You should not have such carriages as these.
In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet,
I only paddle in a pool of slush;
My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat;
Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush.
Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down,
And here I'm standing in the open air!
Long is my dreary journey up to Town,
That is, alive, if ever I get there.
Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains,
You might as well, at least, defend the poor;
It would not cost you much, with all your gains:
Cover us in, and luck attend your store.
A CAUTION
No wonder Miss Lavinia Stitchwort thought the people very rude at the station when she went for her "water-proof" (which she had lost on the railway some time before). She found out when she got home she had not removed the "unclaimed property" label!
Nervous Party. "The train seems to be travelling at a fearful pace, ma'am."
Elderly Female. "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an' 'e can make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o' drink in 'im!"
THE ORIGIN OF RAILWAYS.--The first idea of railways is of very ancient date, for we hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the Conquest.
RAILWAY NEWS.--There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the safety of her luggage.
"RAILWAY COUPLING."--When the porter marries the young lady in the refreshment department.
THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"
A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time tabl(e)ature
RAILWAY REFORM.--Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a certain age.
As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers," the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as Hampton Wick.
The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers." Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.
It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No Returns."
A PLUTOCRAT.--Swell. "'Dyou oblige me--ah--by shutting your window?--ah----"
Second Passenger (politely). "Really, sir, if you will not press it, as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You seem to take great care of yourself, sir----"
Swell. "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"
THE SLOW TRAIN
On Southern lines the trains which crawl
Deliberately to and fro
Make life a burden; of them all
This is the slowest of the slow.
Impatiently condemned to bear
What is indeed an awful bore,
I've seemed to be imprisoned there
Three days, or more.
The angry passengers complain;
Of new electric cabs they talk.
They sit and swear at such a train,
And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"
It's true the time seems extra long
When spent in such a wretched way,
My calculation may be wrong--
Three hours, say.
The other day I had to come
By this slow train, but facing me
Was no old buffer, dull and dumb;
I chatted with my vis-a-vis.
A pretty smile, a pretty dress,
Gay spirits no fatigue could crush;
With her it was a quick express,
Three minutes' rush.
For once I sadly left the train,
For once the time too quickly passed.
I still could angrily complain,
Why travel so absurdly fast?
At lightning speed that special went
(I'd paid the ordinary fare),
Now looking back it seems we spent
Three seconds there.
A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH
Facetious Individual (from carriage window). "Change 'ere, 'ave we? Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"
Excursionist. "I say--'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!"
Aquarius. "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"]
RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS
'Traction Engines.--Too many Girls of the Period.
Truck-Trains.--Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover Square.
Continuous Brakes.--The results of lodging house attendance.
Changing Lines.--What we often see after the honeymoon.
Shunted on to a Siding.--Paterfamilias when Baby appears.
OUR COUNTRY COUSINS
The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the odours of an average London terminus.
Miss Milly Gushington. "Wait a bit, uncle." (Sniff.) "Oh, isn't it lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just smell of the season?"
Miss Hilly Gushington. "Don't speak about it--only sniff!"]
THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET
(Railway Edition)
A is the affable guard whom you square:
B is the Bradshaw which leads you to swear:
C is the corner you fight to obtain:
D is the draught of which others complain:
E are the enemies made for the day:
F is the frown that you wear all the way:
G is the guilt that you feel going third:
H is the humbug by which you're deterred:
I is the insult you'll get down the line:
J is the junction where you'll try to dine:
K is the kettle of tea three weeks old:
L are the lemon drops better unsold:
M is the maiden who says there's no meat:
N is the nothing you thus get to eat:
O is the oath that you use--and do right:
P is the paper to which you don't write:
Q are the qualms to directors unknown:
R is the row which you'll find all your own:
S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:"
T is the truth, that will come to a halt:
U is the pointsman--who's up the whole night:
V is the verdict that says it's "all right."
W stands for wheels flying off curves:
X for express that half shatters your nerves:
Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling,
and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!
STARTLING!
Constable (to nervous passenger, arrived by the Ramsgate train). "I've got yer"--("Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!")--"a cab, sir."
"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"
SCENE--The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway.
Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous politeness. If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.
Ticket Clerk (abruptly). No first-class here. Go to the next booking-place.
[_Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next booking-place._
Country Cousin. If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.
Ticket Clerk (explosively). Single or return? Look sharp! You're not the only person in London!
Country Cousin (humbly). Single, please.
[_The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be snipped._
Snipper (inspecting ticket). Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just coming in!
[_Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment, hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone, gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket._
Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely). If you please--will the next train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?
Saturnine Official. Can't tell you till the train comes.
[_Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along._
Stentorian voice (without stops). Earl's Court North End and Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!
[_Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full. Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on._
Indignant Official. Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (Drags back Country Cousin.) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin to get in there for?
[_Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by recent struggle and resumes his agitated march._
Enter another train more madly than the first.
Stentorian voice. High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and Bayswater train main line train!
Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty). Is this train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?
Haughty Official. Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a minute.
[_Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect, and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan District Railway Station._
WHEN IN DOUBT--DON'T!
SCENE--Country Station
Gent. "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"
Country Youth. "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a fortnight!"]
A DILEMMA
Station-Master. "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are you----"
Overdriven Porter. "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna ken fa the're gaen tae!"]
RISKS
Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage). "Take an accident insurance ticket, sir?"
Passenger (nervously). "Wha' for?!"
Clerk. "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"
[Old Gent forks out with alacrity.]
TO MY "PUFF PUFF"
Puff me away from the noise and the worry;
Puff me away from the desolate town;
Puff me--but don't be in too great a hurry;
Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.
Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet
Swiftly--or e'en at the pace called the snail's,
Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it
Into my nostrils--but don't leave the rails.
Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;
For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst--
For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;
Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.
Puff me en route for care-killing Killarney,
Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;
Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,
Puff, puff, like blazes--but, please, don't "collide!"
DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
Customer (Time--Saturday afternoon). "I don't want all coppers in change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?"
Newsboy. "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"]
TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER
At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,--
The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."
I tipped him as thy welcome form
He carried, with a grateful smile, in.
Alas! thou art a faithless friend,
Thy warmth was but dissimulation;
Thy tepid glow is at an end,
And I am nowhere near my station!
I shiver, cold in feet and hands,
It is a legal form of slaughter,
They don't warm (!) trains in other lands
With half a pint of tepid water.
I spurn thy coldness with a kick,
And pile on rugs as my protectors,
I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick,
Thy parsimonious directors!
DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.
"THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives.
"A LIBERAL MEASURE"
Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order, and won't work). "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to chaps o' your size!"
FOXHUNTER'S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails.
AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents.
THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage.
ZOOLOGY
Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets). "'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no charge for it!"
LOGIC
Stout Party. "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people can get out, people can get in!"
THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought.
STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train.
KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.
"DON'T TOUCH ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the stoker.
