Mr. Punch on Tour 13The Skeleton Tourist'S Vade Mecum
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Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch on Tour 13
The Skeleton Tourist'S Vade Mecum
AnonymousEnglish
Question. What is your object this year?
Answer. To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as much ground as possible.
Q. How do you manage this?
A. With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a greater consideration than scenery.
Q. Is it necessary to examine the places en route with much careful consideration?
A. Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply the compulsory omissions.
Q. What are compulsory omissions?
A. Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an inspection.
Q. How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?
A. A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten minutes.
Q. Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?
A. No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in the touring table.
Q. What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the Midnight Sun?
A. The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.
Q. And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of interest would chiefly attract your attention?
A. The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be travelling.
Q. What advantage would you derive from your tour?
A. The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been rather than what you had seen.
Q. Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your rapid locomotion?
A. Not much, nor my body either.
Q. But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade Mecum?
A. Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a skeleton.
Nervous Tourist. "Stop, driver, stop! There's something wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"
Driver. "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's been comin' off thin these three days back!"
(Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the boat.)
'Arry (viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope). "My eye, Maria, come an' 'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"
A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--First Man (tasting beer). "Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"
Second Man (tasting). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"
Third Man (tasting). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas lager-r-r!"]
THE FAULT OF THE FOWL
SCENE--Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey.
Visitor (gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg). "Waiter! Can you tell me what egg this is?"
Waiter. "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like that. It's not done in the boiling!"]
CORRECTED.--Lady Tourist (doing the cathedrals of Scotland). "This is Gothic, isn't it, John?"
Juvenile Vendor of "Guides" (severely). "No, mem, _this is
Presbyterian_."
At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--Colonel Twister (in the hotel smoking-room). Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my teeth, and captured all the loot!
Captain Longbow. Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between my toes, walked in lying on my back!
Colonel Twister (taken unawares). But how the deuce did you manage to see the table?
Captain Longbow. See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with Roentgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!
[_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves for Schlangenbad next morning._
FORCE OF HABIT.--Recently two bankers met abroad. They at once began to compare notes.
NEW NAME FOR SEA-SICKNESS.--Mal de Little Mary.
MRS. RAMSBOTHAM wants to know whether the inhabitants of the Fiji Islands are called the Fijits.
YOUNG AUSTRALIA
SCENE--Highland Gathering in the Antipodes.
"Well, my little man, so you're Scotch, eh?"
"Nae, nae, a'am nae Scotch, but ma pairents is."]
A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN THREE ACTS AND FIVE TABLEAUX.
(Showing how he got in for it and how he came out of it rather the worse for "wear".)
MR. JOGGLES HAVING CAREFULLY SELECTED A RETIRED SPOT DEPOSITED HIS CLOTHES IN A CAVE SEES A LITTLE WAY BELOW HIM A SPARKLING POOL FED BY A TORRENT FROM ABOVE--A NATURAL SHOWER BATH, INTO WHICH HE WILL JOYFULLY DESCEND.
