The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 2 – Lemon · Library Across
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The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 2The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 2)
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 2
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 2)
LemonEnglish
CLV.--EPIGRAM.
"IT is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."--Court Journal.
'Tis right that Cumberland should be
In this resolve so steady,
For all the world declare that he
Is too bare-faced already!
CLVI.--SENTENCE OF DEATH.
THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his pig's victuals.
"SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.
"RD. GOLD."
CLVII.--NATIVE WIT.
JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me what you do know, and what you don't know."--"Well," replied John, "I know millers' hogs are fat!"--"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't you know?"--"I don't know whose corn fats 'em!"
CLVIII.--WORTH THE MONEY.
SIR ROBERT WALPOLE having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron. The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first public money he had touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded.
CLIX.--SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.
THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major Cart-wright, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the Common-Wheel.
CLX.--NOT versus NOTT.
A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was Nott, returning late from his friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. "I am Nott of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping. "Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are."--"I am Nott of Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."--"Know him, sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. Nott of this college." The proctor now perceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and wished him a good night.
CLXI.--A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.
In Parliament, it's plain enough,
No reverence for age appears;
For they who hear each speaker's stuff,
Find there is no respect for (y) ears.
CLXII.--THE PINK OF POLITENESS.
LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers, and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"--"Not since you hanged your tutor, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was hanged.
CLXIII.--HIGH AND LOW.
"I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?"--"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat!"
CLXIV.--CITY LOVE.
IN making love let poor men sigh,
But love that's ready-made is better
For men of business;--so I,
If madam will be cruel, let her.
But should she wish that I should wait
And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her,
I court by deed, or after date,
Through my solicitor or banker.
CLXV.--INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.
A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more illustrious than yours, I should have taken it."
CLXVI.--LORD CHESTERFIELD.
WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up. "With the devil's!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?"--a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.
CLXVII.--SPECIAL PLEADING.
WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader, he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son eat saw-dust without butter?"
CLXVIII.--ON A NEW DUKE.
ASK you why gold and velvet bind
The temples of that cringing thief?
Is it so strange a thing to find
A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?
CLXIX.--THE ZODIAC CLUB.
ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it should consist of twelve members, and be called "The Zodiac," each member to be named after a sign.
"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid that his name would be forgotten.
Jerrold.--"Oh, we'll bring you in as the weight in Libra."
CLXX.--QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.
"A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say--
Embalm the dead--on senseless clay
Rich wine and spices waste:
Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,
Bound in a precious pickle lie,
Which I can never taste!
Let me embalm this flesh of mine,
With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,
And spoil the Egyptian trade,
Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,
Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie
A mummy ready made."
CLXXI.--STRIKING REPROOF.
IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion, knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for a literary lady than to double down a page."--"I would rather," replied his lordship, "advise Caroline to turn over a new leaf."
CLXXII.--A PRETTY PICTURE.
E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter; "if you please, I will draw your face without any mouth at all."
CLXXIII.--UNKNOWN TONGUE.
DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"--"Not a bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them?"
CLXXIV.--DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.
WHILST the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's more important occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to attend to my client and his humble advocate."
CLXXV.--EPIGRAM.
(A good word for Ministers.)
THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke
Their promises which end in smoke;
Thus their defence I build;
Granted in office they have slept,
Yet sure those promises are kept
Which never are fulfilled.
CLXXVI.--CHANGING HIS LINE.
A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the grocery line?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a different line when he died."
CLXXVII.--TALL AND SHORT.
AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."
CLXXVIII.--AN ODD COMPARISON.
SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."
CLXXIX.--ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, "that he had lost half of his memory."
CLXXX.--CAUSE OF ABSENCE.
WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is ill--suffering from Scarlett fever."
CLXXXI.--THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.
THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--
A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."--"Quite right; can you give me an example?"--"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot, the days are longer; but in winter, which is cold, the days are shorter."
CLXXXIII.--HAPPINESS.
HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.
CLXXXIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.
IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the author would think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately happens, that those portions which are new are not true, and those which are true are not new!"
CLXXXV.--A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.
A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of money.
"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much does ---- want this time?"
"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the bearer of the hat replied.
Jerrold.--"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."
CLXXXVI.--WASTE OF TIME.
AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he to them, "it is hardly worth while to dress myself again."
CLXXXVII.--SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.
AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a clanking noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your folk."
CLXXXVIII.--TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.
SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know it, Sir Fletcher."
CLXXXIX.--NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.
THE author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the poet knew him, Lee answered:--
"Custom may alter men, and manners change:
But I am still strange Lee, and you L'Estrange:
I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."
CXC.--MAIDS AND WIVES.
WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and defy you.--D.J.
CXCI.--TRAGEDY MS.
LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied, "Because the fifth act is peeping out at one corner of it."
CXCII.--A TRUE COURTIER.
ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac," said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"--"In my younger days, please your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we call him. Perfection."--"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he bears the best of characters."
CXCIII.--RARE VIRTUE.
THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild, who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could gain nothing by refraining from it.
CXCIV.--A POSER.
A COXCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite song."--"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman might have made it, for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."
CXCV.--A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.
LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if ye had been a sheep ye would hae had mair sense."
CXCVI.--CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.
SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you, Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and what I may not."--"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard, "will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are windy; but eat anything else you please!"
CXCVII.--FARMER AND ATTORNEY.
AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:--
"Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,
If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,
And make 'em agree like brother and brother."
The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the dispute.
CXCVIII.--A WIFE AT FORTY.
"MY notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."
CXCIX.--DISAPPROBATION.
AN actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope you will be at least six times as many as are here to-night."
CC.--NOVEL OFFENCE.
COOKE and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup, "what! not offend? A ---- ignorant coachmaker, to leave his house out, new-painted, at this time of night!"
CCI.--MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.
A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?"--"Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured it."
CCII.--VERY CLEAR.
"WHAT is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.
CCIII.--BROTHERLY LOVE.
"AH!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of asses."--"Then that was the reason why you always called them beloved brethren," replied a strong-minded lady.
CCIV.--EPIGRAM.
BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,
The electors would find him as good as his word!
"As good as his word," did you say, "gracious me!
What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be!"
CCV.--MODEST.
IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord Stanley is the second, madam."
CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.
A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well to-day."--"We performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was I performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it be we then?"
CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.
AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it."
CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.
A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman, "because he has served me these twenty years."
CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.
BY imbecility and fears
Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
His mind a porcupine appears,
A porcupine without a quill.
CCX.--A CLEVER DOG.
AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds, called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the first question: "where is my guardian angel?"--"Here I am," answered Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean you, I mean the dog."
CCXI.--A KNOTTY POINT.
THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots scattered through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was impossible they could have been collected.
CCXII.--GEORGE SELWYN.
THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity, replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so all the rest of the journey."
CCXIII.--EMPEROR OF CHINA.
SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England, that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are usually short."
CCXIV.--LANDLORD AND TENANTS.
SAYS his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;
For I never can raise it myself."
CCXV.--AN UGLY DOG.
JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied, "Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks about us at this moment!"
CCXVI.--THE WRONG LEG.
MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton, D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving, could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain. Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself unhappy, D'Egville; perhaps it is in the other leg."
CCXVII.--FEMALE TALKERS.
IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion, said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."--"So much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the clergyman; "it will be the sooner over."
CCXVIII.--FIGHTING BY MEASURE.
THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at "the place called Fifteen Acres--'be the same more or less.'"
CCXIX.--SUGGESTION.
"DO you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed, by accident, some train oil."--"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had swallowed a dancing-master!"
CCXX.--THE FORCE OF SATIRE.
JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he who wrote these can write more":--
"With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face,
With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,
And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"
Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion of the portrait, immediately sent the money.
CCXXI.--THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.
JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I know between France and England is--the sea," said Jerrold.
CCXXII.--QUIN'S SAYING.
ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a crick in his neck."
CCXXIII.--A GOOD REASON.
A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."--"What is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because my nose was betwixt them."
CCXXIV.--BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.
WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness, began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your evidence."--"Be cool, Mr. Counsellor," said Billy, "only be cool, you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that."
CCXXV.--THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.
A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death, some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were the dearest objects of your affections."
CCXXVI.--CUT AND COME AGAIN.
A GENTLEMAN who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"
CCXXVII.--CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.
A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I never break a glass."--"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply, "you ought whenever you look in one."
CCXXVIII.--UNION IS STRENGTH.
A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie," said the minister, "that's my place."--"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie; "they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this place, and it will take us baith to manage them."
CCXXIX.--FRENCH PRECIPITATION.
THE late Mr. Pétion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely two-and-thirty minutes in the Old Bailey.
CCXXX.--MAKING IT UP.
AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough provided, upon one occasion when company were expected, he asked if she had brothed the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well then," said he, "broth 'em again."
CCXXXI.--OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.
BUBB DODDINGTON was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew that about this time of day you would tell that story."
CCXXXII.--HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.
"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a thunderbolt!"
CCXXXIII.--EQUALITY.
SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said, "All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's Byron, he was a Harrow boy--"--"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's Burns,--he was a ploughboy."
CCXXXIV.--QUITE NATURAL.
"DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an infant school in a fast neighborhood.--"I have!" shouted a six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles, amused by his earnestness. "On the elephant!" was the reply.
CCXXXV.--MISER'S CHARITY.
AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is nothing to nobody."
CCXXXVI.--SHAKING HANDS.
AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--"For," said he, "their hands have been shaking this half-hour."
CCXXXVII.--MILTON ON WOMAN.
MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is sufficient for a woman."
CCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)
THE privilege hard money to demand,
It seems but fair the public should surrender;
For I confess I ne'er could understand
Why cash called hard, should be a legal tender.
CCXXXIX.--A GOOD REASON.
"THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the old dame, "and he never cries."--"That's because he's never washed," rejoined the youngster.
CCXL.--ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.
IF Farren, cleverest of men,
Should go to the right about,
What part of town will he be then?
Why, "Farren-done-without!"
CCXLI.--PADDY'S LOGIC.
"THE sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we want it, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it."
CCXLII.--WARNING TO LADIES.
BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.
CCXLIII.--A MOT OF DE FOE.
WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator; but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the Spectator than the Tatler."
CCXLIV.--A FAIR REPULSE.
AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation, and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single volunteer!"--"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French land at Ayr, there will soon be plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock."
CCXLV.--CLAW AND CLAW.
LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit suicide."
CCXLVI.--THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.
THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance has given rise to the following:--
I have lost my portmanteau--
"I pity your grief;"
It contained all my sermons--
"I pity the thief."
CCXLVII.--FORCE OF NATURE.
S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most empty is generally uppermost.
CCXLVIII.--BLOWING A NOSE.
SIR WILLIAM CHERE had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your nose!"--"Blow it yourself!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as me!"
CCXLIX.--TOO CIVIL.
MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him. Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of it, as at present we must totally depend on your kindness." This had the desired effect,--and the lounger walked off.
CCL.--TORY LIBERALITY.
A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept open house, at least, so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.
CCLI.--A CAPITAL JOKE.
LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane the waur o' a hanging."
CCLII.--PIG-HEADED.
MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper," which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon, gentlemen,--copper; but I can't get the lead out of my head!" At this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.
CCLIII.--BURIED WORTH.
SIR THOMAS OVERBURY says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,--the only good belonging to him is underground.
CCLIV.--A JUST DEBTOR.
ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe, to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady. On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me 100l."--"True," said his lordship, "I did so; but you know, Mr. ----, that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors at 5s. in the pound. Now you must see, Mr. ----, that if I were to pay you at a higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an injustice!"
CCLV.--A SOUND CONCLUSION.
SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured from cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c."--"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too--there's no soap like Castile soap."
CCLVI.--CUTTING HIS COAT.
WHEN Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies" for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my coat."--"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"--"Why, this coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful of contamination,--"What, Duke, do you call that thing a coat?"
CCLVII.--NON SEQUITUR.
ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father of George III.?"--"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."
CCLVIII.--ANY PORT IN A STORM.
A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our ship is in jeopardy?"--"Well, I am glad that she has got into some port at last," replied the other.
CCLIX.--INGRATITUDE.
WHEN Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that from you: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes, I took them."
CCLX.--NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.
GEORGE IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life."
CCLXI.--A BAD CROP.
AFTER a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground."--"By Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."
CCLXII.--"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.
DANIEL PURCELL, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him: "Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."--"Yes," replied Daniel, "I think I know him, but I can't swear to him."
CCLXIII.--DUPLEX MOVEMENT.
A WORTHY alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the word, "Advance three paces back-wards! march!"
CCLXIV.--COULEUR DE ROSE.
AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, "Keep off, you black rascal."--"You were as black as me before you were boiled," cried sooty.
CCLXV.--A FEELING WITNESS.
A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"--"He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with laughter.
CCLXVI.--EXTREMES MEET.
AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm his jacket.
CCLXVII.--DR. WEATHER-EYE.
AN Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible wind the other night. "Saw a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"--"Like to have blown my house about my ears," replied the first.
CCLXVIII.--HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.
AN old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed, "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always stuttered!"
CCLXIX.--A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.
DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said the doctor, "wit is like what a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, a good thing well applied."
CCLXX.--NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.
THE house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:--
"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
Now to a smith doth pass;
How naturally the iron age
Succeeds the age of brass!"
CCLXXI.--CRITICS.
LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all their pretensions, they were only brushers of noblemen's clothes."
CCLXXII.--QUESTION AND ANSWER.
A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him, "Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"--"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."
CCLXXIII.--A TRUE JOKE.
A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject."
CCLXXIV.--THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my lord," says he. "And why not fourscore and eight?" says the judge. "Because," replied he, "I was eight before I was fourscore."
CCLXXV.--A CITY VARNISH.
IT being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a gentleman present; "if you wish to bring the figures out, varnish it with turtle soup."
CCLXXVI.--A RUB AT A RASCAL.
GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's earth, it daubs your coat a little for a time, but when it is rubbed off your coat is so much the cleaner."
CCLXXVII.--A SAGE SIMILE.
MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and onions."
CCLXXVIII.--AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.
On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury Church.
The King of Great Britain was reckoned before
The head of the Church by all Protestant people;
His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,
For with them he is now made the head of the steeple.
CCLXXIX.--THE MAJESTY OF MUD.
DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have often heard you and others talk of the majesty of the people; but I never saw any of the young princes and princesses till now."
CCLXXX.--A PROVIDENT BOY.
AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."--"O yes," retorted the half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father."
CCLXXXI.--A QUERY ANSWERED.
"WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings
No jester to their courts admit?"
"They're grown such stately solemn things,
To bear a joke they think not fit.
But though each court a jester lacks,
To laugh at monarchs to their faces,
Yet all mankind, behind their backs,
Supply the honest jesters' places."
CCLXXXII.--A WOMAN'S PROMISES.
ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?"--"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which the Queen returned, "I must not confute you, Sir Edward," and she left him.
CCLXXXIII.--THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.
SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service one way or the other."
CCLXXXIV.--ROYAL FAVOR.
A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me stand out of the way."
CCLXXXV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
And boast that they are only blessed with light.
Peel's politics to both sides so incline,
He may be called the equinoctial line.
CCLXXXVI.--THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.
AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to be apprehended."
CCLXXXVII.--A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.
DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus replied:--
"Ancient Phyllis has young graces,
'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.
Shall I tell you how?
She herself makes her own faces,
And each morning wears a new one!
Where's the wonder now?"
CCLXXXVIII.--BRIGHT AND SHARP.
A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versâ. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" returned the child.
CCLXXXIX.--A WOODMAN.
A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning."--"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a timber-yard," was the rejoinder.
CCXC.--HUMAN HAPPINESS.
A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the happiest fellows in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped."
CCXCI.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship, "all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him!"
CCXCII.--A DESERVED RETORT.
A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's lands, which is more than you can say."
CCXCIII.--A POETICAL SHAPE.
WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was in and out, like the lines of a Pindaric ode.
CCXCIV.--A COMMON CASE.
A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived? "Where I live," said he, "I don't know; but I starve towards Wapping, and that way."
CCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:
Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.
CCXCVI.--TOO COLD TO CHANGE.
A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam," answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any habit, be it ever so bad."
CCXCVII.--SEALING AN OATH.
"Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,
"In earnest love me as you say;
Or are those tender words applied
Alike to fifty girls beside?"
"Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,
For by those eyes,--those lips I swear!"
She stopped me as the oath I took,
And cried, "You've sworn,--now kiss the book."
CCXCVIII.--A NEAT QUOTATION.
LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:--
"Hope told a flattering tale,
That Joy would soon return."
CCXCIX.--GOOD SPORT.
A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. "Thirty-three hairs!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a wig."
CCC.--AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.
A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty hearse came by; on which his lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send you a fare." This operated so strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon, and returned home in a whole skin.
CCCI.--A GOOD SERVANT.
"I CAN'T conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do."--"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."--"A place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,--pray what place?"--"I am my own steward."
CCCII.--BALANCING ACCOUNTS.
THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of my father's," replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.
CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.
A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added another, "you have now done it for the first time."
CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.
A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."
CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.
THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her compassion: "Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"
CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.
AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and see how you open your mouth, that I may know what sort of words will fit it."
CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.
WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
Just as hungry dogs we see;
Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
Throw a couple, they agree.
CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.
A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady, modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the contrary."
CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.
WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't fret; when you had this old place, you were out of place; now you are in place, you can get both yourself and me a better place." The hint was taken, and old George provided for.
CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED.
A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I wish I could give warning too."
CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT.
A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a capacity: but for that deficiency you know we must not blame her."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a capacity; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."
CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.
IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping physic into the street be any proof of insanity."--"True, my lord," replied the counsel, "but sweeping the pots away, certainly was."
CCCXIII.--CRUEL SUGGESTION.
LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your presence."--"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower?"--"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, "inflict a severer punishment,--send him back to Scotland!"
CCCXIV.--AN ODD FELLOW.
LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my fellow be?"--"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be near him, "not in Europe."
CCCXV.--POST-MORTEM.
ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made, intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs, madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."--To which she instantly replied, "But not till he was dead."
CCCXVI.--KNOWING HIS PLACE.
AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run up after that boy."--"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to follow your Majesty."
CCCXVII.--AN ATTIC JEST.
SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead a label, "To let."--"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, unfurnished," rejoined the father.
CCCXVIII.--CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.
LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment?"--"When you place your tongue on the civil list!" was the rejoinder.
CCCXIX.--A READY RECKONER.
A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (bore?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the scales, and I will tell you immediately."
CCCXX.--CATCHING HIM UP.
AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age."
CCCXXI.--A STOPPER.
A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-maker.
CCCXXII.--A BOOK CASE.
THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law-books!"--"Better read them, my lord," was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.
CCCXXIII.--HINC ILLE LACHRYMÆ.
"THE mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A----ll, "is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love every fortnight."--"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the press, and wipes his eyes with the public."
CCCXXIV.--REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.
IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or conferred a favor on any man living, no one would pray for him."
CCCXXV.--A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.
BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like, and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher thumped the cushion."
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 3
