The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 10 – Lemon · Library Across
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The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 10The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 10)
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 10
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 10)
LemonEnglish
MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.
A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in the shade."
MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.
CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "but don't indorse my sins upon their backs."
MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.
A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody's voice against him but his own."
MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.
IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: "An exemption from Payne."
MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.
A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for relaxation, makes a business of his pleasure.
MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.
A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as you have just been tolled."
MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.
AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not, sir, unless it was a walking-stick."
MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.
IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent, who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly exclaimed the Duke; "but don't keep me in the cold."
MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.
"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, who is so like Judas."
MDVI.--OPENLY.
NO, Varus hates a thing that's base;
I own, indeed, he's got a knack
Of flattering people to their face,
But scorns to do 't behind their back.
MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.
OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, 'Beware of the paint.'"
MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.
TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is far-fetched."--"No, indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the spot."
MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.
IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I know my duty as well as your lordship knows your duty. I stand here as the advocate of a fellow citizen, and I will not sit down." The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.
MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.
A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah! madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the first place consider the loss of time."--"That's just what I do," said she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in shuffling and dealing."
MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.
TO John I owed great obligation;
But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation:
Sure John and I am more than quit.
MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.
JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his At Home, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention. At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what does it all go to prove?"
MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.
GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water, and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "it is open to that objection."
MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.
(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)
FOR Buckingham to hope to pit
His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;
Reform, when offered bit by bit,
Is but intended for a bridle.
MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.
A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor, "and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney."
MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.
SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't clap him on the back, and call him Howley."
MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.
LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his lordship, "if I was as deaf as my brother, I would subscribe too."
MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.
A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen to afford you any relief, please to let me know, as I am myself suffering from a similar affection, and have tried in vain to cure it."
MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.
LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do they will certainly tax it."
MDXX.--FASHION AND VIRTUE.
"WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain
Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;
"Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,
"What's right were fashionable too."
MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.
A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much, and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!" echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say: but this I know, he is seldom without his Steel by his side."
MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.
A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been dead these three weeks."
MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.
LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may not swallow John! There are, however, stomach-pumps in case of accident."
MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.
A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then, sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not altogether a moral man."
MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.
(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)
THEY say, O'Keefe,
Thou art a thief,
That half thy works are stolen or more;
I say O'Keefe,
Thou art no thief,
Such stuff was never writ before!
MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.
A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My profession is much better than my practice."
MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.
MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a free and easy actor, who told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marchioness of ----, without any invitation. He had gone there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on speaking terms, each would suppose the other had asked him, and so it turned out.
MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.
JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are so very contradictory, that I protest I don't understand them."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "that is what we all say."
MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a tailor on the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little further, I should meet a goose."
MDXXX.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.
THE editor of the Evangelical Observer, in reference to a certain person, took occasion to write that he was rectus in ecclesia, i.e., in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence, converted it into rectus in culina, which although not very bad Latin, altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman a good standing in the kitchen.
MDXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)
HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,
For what he says will never be believed.
MDXXXII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.
WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed that "they began too late and ended too soon."
MDXXXIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.
A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent wine. "But you said nothing of the first" remarked his host "O," replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. It spoke for itself. I thought the second wanted a trumpeter."
MDXXXIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.
A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to be sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge, but a horse never."
MDXXXV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.
AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends, one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of old port."--"Waiter," added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a bottle of your old port, not your elder port."
MDXXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.
WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--your money or your life."
MDXXXVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.
"A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see,
Unto the whole can never equal be";
Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control,
Of them a part is equal to the whole.
MDXXXVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.
BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had the folly to write it, I had the wit to keep it to myself."
MDXXXIX.--CLASSICAL WIT.
DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid, in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--
"'Semper tibi pendeat hamus,'
May you always have a ham hanging in your kitchen." The doctor insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--
"'Amant te omnes mulieres.'"
Miles Glor., Act i., sc. i., v. 58.
Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou tê Psychê], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner, which he thus eulogized:--
"'Hoc tum sævas paulatim mitigat iras,
Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'"
Ov. Trist., lib. iv., el. vi., v. 15, 16.
MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.
ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is far better to murder it outright, than to keep on beating it as you do."
MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.
SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough to swim to the other side."
MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.
ONE asked his friend, why he married so little a wife? "Why," said he, "I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the least."
MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.
A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might rest her bones. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my jaw-bones."
MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.
A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the "five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, "and a great deal betther."
MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.
"MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,
So now I'm quite at sea."
Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,--
There, take this recipe."
MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.
A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical, sir!"--"You are?"--"Yes, sir, I am!"--"Well, just you step round the corner with me, and I'll show you a fellow who said I couldn't find a radical in the ward. Ain't he a liar, I should like to know?"
MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.
CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in domestic use, commonly called an extinguisher. It began at a point, and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the question out altogether."
MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.
A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion; posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."
MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.
BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though it be, you would like to see the first quarter of it."
MDL.--EPIGRAM.
WHEN at the head of our most gracious king,
Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,--
"Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,
"So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"
MDLI.--A KIND HINT.
LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by going out he would certainly give satisfaction.
MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.
AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the pit. "Probably clerks who have taken Priest's orders," said Mr. Poole, one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists of the day.
MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.
AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the camp as a deserter, he will not return as a spy."
MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.
A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket, beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been the better."
MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.
WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: "Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a pinch, Lundy!"
MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."
AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the "Saracen's Head." It was paid for immediately.
MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.
TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,
Job himself scarcely patience could keep;
He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,
Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.
MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.
AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honor."
MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.
THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will be change for a guinea."
MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.
A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O, he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a white mark on him!"
MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.
HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied the comedian: "and, as either one or the other, he has a brotherly claim upon me."
MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.
A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, he hears you."
MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.
A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply, "It's the seventh I have had, and every one in the room knows it."
MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.
BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman, the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever yours, S.S."
MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.
THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae nae motive," replied the poet.
MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.
THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last night in his own medicine chest."
MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.
ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the right of it. I don't know what would stay out such a stormy night as this."
MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.
"I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry,
"That Jane a gambler should marry."
"I'm not at all," her sister says,
"You know he has such winning ways!"
MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.
THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and, affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would you do to anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if any man meddled with my tongue, I'd lick him!"
MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.
A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be no room for yours."
MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.
AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but then, you know, a man may be both."--"So I see, sir," said Cannon, turning away.
MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.
WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,
No generous patron would a dinner give.
See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,
Presented with a monumental bust.
The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,--
He asked for bread, and he received a stone.
MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.
MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody give him the word,--somebody give him the word!"
MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."
PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of it, said, "Professor, my opinion of you is most contemptible."--"Sir," returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an opinion of yours that was not contemptible."
MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.
ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition, professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head, and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor, undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when he was a boy."
MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."
A CANTAB, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you?"--"Nah, sar," retorted the urchin; "I takes 'em as they come!"
MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.
THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a good man, an excellent man. He had the best melted butter I ever tasted in my life."
MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.
EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and Francis Jeffrey:--
When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,
A reverse he displayed in his vapor,
For while all his poems were loaded with lead,
His pistols were loaded with paper.
For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,
Such a salvo he should not abuse;
For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,
Which is fired away at Reviews.
MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.
THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. "Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said A'Beckett, "seeing that no pains have been spared to convince him of them."
MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.
THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered, "My lord, you had better take your trowel to it."
MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.
DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the hero questions the Witches, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching, however, the words in the play, repeated, "A deed without a name! why, 't is void."
MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.
THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--
Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,
Must take you by contraries;
What you deny, perhaps is true;
But nothing that you swear is.
MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.
AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to get a good one."
MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.
THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by pairing."
MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.
AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: you, sir, might have been born a wit!"
MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.
SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--
Behold the sergeant full of fire,
Long shall his hearers rue it;
His purple garments came from Tyre,
His arguments go to it.
MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.
MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "Nae great length, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh," said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur that is," said Matthew.
MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.
"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe."
MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.
"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he has not got a shilling in the world, let him attack the law." Such was the advice of an old Chief Justice.
MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.
IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the "cause of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the effects.
MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.
WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as the prize-money,--the greatest part among the officers."
MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.
WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with a lemon in it.--G. A'B.
MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.
A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No," was his reply, "I make a point of never attending rehearsals!"
MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.
VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass,
Do some resemblance show;
Because the longer time they run,
The shallower they grow!
MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.
ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass!"
MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.
A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "very large, very handsome, and very cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very poor; in fact, having only £----."--"Say thirty shillings more," replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"
MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.
A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, "I wish your honor's heart was as tender as your toes."
MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.
A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.
MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.
THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee
Only in this, that you both painted be.
MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.
A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such very fat people used to go through" (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit").
MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.
LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett cannot see the imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has the sun (son) in his eye."
MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.
AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty urchin" said, "My honey, all the polish you have is upon your boots and I gave you that."
MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.
ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was cabinet-making. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a turner or a joiner."
MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.
A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said Pat, "an' yer honor's a gintleman!"
MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.
THEY cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.
MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.
HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--are you anybody in particular?" Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had passed on.
MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.
A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a hone, I sharpen a number of blades, but I wear myself in doing it."
MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.
JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "At which end, my lord?"
MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.
A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the lowest of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the foundation of all wit."
MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.
LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, "Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish I was," suddenly interposed the weary minister.
MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.
BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
How high his honor holds his haughty head!
MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.
"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor finds me to-day."
MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.
SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman move that I may take the chair?"
MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.
A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a hot-house.
MDCXV.--LONG AGO.
A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time," he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had no tongue."--"Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very very long since!"
MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.
WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, "Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensoever so I do, then thrust me out of your doors."
MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.
IF two decided negatives will make
Together one affirmative, let's take
P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue per se,
Who by this rule an honest pair will be.
MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.
A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least take care of me for your own sake."
MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.
A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."
MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.
CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend," said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a contingent remainder without any particular estate to support it."
MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.
ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats you!"
MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.
"MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are one, you know;
And when alone I'm weary!"
MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.
CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty."--"It is very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for every one agrees that was the driest speech of the session."
MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.
AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in, in malice."
MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.
CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming nisi prius business, said: "I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I have been only bearing up under jury-masts."
MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.
LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend, the guinea is for bringing me back, not for taking me out."
MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."
A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then," suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I lend, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, that will do," eagerly rejoined the miser.
MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.
WHO seeks to please all men each way,
And not himself offend,
He may begin his work to-day,
But who knows when he'll end?
MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.
MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the drama, if we don't encourage one another."
MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.
QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of heaven than earth."
MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.
ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith arms. "I regret, sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but the Smiths never had any arms, and have invariably sealed their letters with their thumbs."
MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.
A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--fatal to parrots."
MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.
WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot help coming from Scotland."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "no more can the rest of your countrymen."
MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.
TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what it's for."--"Done," said the other. "It is for sale." The bet was paid.
MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.
THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints cannot be deemed potations."
MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.
BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones pays the dog-tax for you."
MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.
HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety parsonified."
MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.
ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. "Why, do you bury your attorneys here?" asked Foote. "Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; "what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there's a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning."
MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.
A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are always making observations upon my nose; perhaps you think it was made at the expense of yours."
MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.
A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it would be!"
MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.
A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear rouge. "I can give you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for one cheek."
MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.
BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a good deal of care and a little port wine; the other, a little care and a good deal of port wine. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the latter, it is at all events a remedy which incumbents can afford better than curates."
MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.
A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, "they found mine here when they comed."
MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.
A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see him?"
MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.
IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it into the other.
MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.
WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would give to be as young as he. "I would be content," cried Foote, "to be as foolish." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. "Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach."
MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.
ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I can't make him."--"Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a litter."
MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.
MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors change Manners.'"
MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently thought you better than nun."
MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.
A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is too short, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."
MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.
A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a wise-acre?"
MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.
TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to board, and the other to lodge.
MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.
CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the elephant did not secure an inside place."--"He was too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained packing up his trunk."
MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly cold it was," said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of Cu-cum-ber-land."
MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.
A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, I found it there."
MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.
SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master sends his compliments to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."
MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.
FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as one scraper at the door was sufficient.
MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.
A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the little rascal. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all great rascals."
MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.
DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) Fie! Rowe! The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.
MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.
'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
Always abuses in his chatter:
He's truly such a thorough flat,
We can't expect to see him flatter.
MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.
AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "I am in horrible good health at present."
MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.
AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "Bear sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to apprise us that the article is his own Bruin."
MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.
THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite over your face."
MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.
LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cuisine, that his female assistants were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "plain cooks will not do here."
MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.
AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is nothing to nobody."
MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.
DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a translation,--except a bishop!"
MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.
PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, "Honest man, you have no business here. Honest man you can have no business in this place."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are right; honest men can have no business here."
MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.
SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the Edinburgh Review, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book before reviewing it; it prejudices one so."
MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.
ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's entire."
MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.
A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference between a shilling and sixpence."--"But you will, young gentleman," an old economist replied, "when you come to be worth eighteen-pence."
MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.
DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a wet martyrdom, and the other's a dry one.
MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.
THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them insure, as they wish to be saved."
MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.
A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble of putting it into my pocket for me."
MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.
A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."
MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.
A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is gone out too," replied the girl.
MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.
"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith."
MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.
WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to you for the very remarkable countenance you have shown me upon this occasion."
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 11
