Literature · Humor

Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 3

Chapter 3

HolleyEnglish

Well, we reached Chicago with no further coincidence and put up to a big hotel kep' by Mr. and Miss Parmer. It seems that besides all the money I had been provided with, Thomas J. had gin a lot of money to Miss Meechim to use for me if she see me try to stent myself any, and he had gin particular orders that we should go to the same hotels they did and fare jest as well, so they wanted to go to the tarven kep' by Mr. Parmerses folks, and we did.

I felt real kinder mortified to think that I didn't pay no attention to Mr. and Miss Parmer; I didn't see 'em at all whilst I wuz there. But I spoze she wuz busy helpin' her hired girls, it must take a sight of work to cook for such a raft of folks, and it took the most of his time to provide.

Well, we all took a long ride round Chicago; Miss Meechim wanted to see the most she could in the shortest time. So we driv through Lincoln Park, so beautiful as to be even worthy of its name, and one or two other beautiful parks and boolevards and Lake Shore drives. And we went at my request to see the Woman's Temperance Building; I had got considerable tired by that time, and, oh, how a woman's tired heart longs for the only true rest, the heart rest of love. As we went up the beautiful, open-work alleviator, I felt, oh, that this thing was swinging me off to Jonesville, acrost the waste of sea and land. But immegiately the thought come "Duty's apron-strings," and I wuz calm agin.

But all the time I wuz there talkin' to them noble wimmen, dear to me because they're tacklin' the most needed work under the heavens, wagin' the most holy war, and tacklin' it without any help as you may say from Uncle Sam, good-natered, shiftless old creeter, well meanin', I believe, but jest led in blinders up and down the earth by the Whiskey Power that controls State and Church to-day, and they may dispute it if they want to, but it is true as the book of Job, and fuller of biles and all other impurities and tribulations than Job ever wuz, and heaven only knows how it is goin' to end.

But to resoom backwards. Lofty and inspirin' wuz the talks I had with the noble ones whose names are on the list of temperance here and the Lamb's Book of Life. How our hearts burnt within us, and how the "blest tie that binds" seemed to link us clost together; when, alas! in my soarinest moments, as I looked off with my mind's eye onto a dark world beginnin' to be belted and lightened by the White Ribbon, my heart fell almost below my belt ribbin' as I thought of one who had talked light about my W. T. C. U. doin's, but wuz at heart a believer and a abstainer and a member of the Jonesville Sons of Temperance.

A little later we stood and looked on one of the great grain elevators, histin' up in its strong grip hull fields of wheat and corn at a time. Ah! among all the wonderin' and awe-struck admiration of them about me, how my mind soared off on the dear bald head afar, he who had so often sowed the spring and reaped the autumn ears on the hills and dales of Jonesville, sweet land! dear one! when should I see thee again?

And as we walked through one of the enormous stock yards, oh! how the bellerin' of them cattle confined there put me in mind of the choice of my youth and joy of my middle age. Wuz he too bellerin' at that moment, shet up as he wuz by environin' circumstances from her he worshipped.

And so it went on, sad things put me in mind of him and joyful things, all, all speakin' of him, and how, how wuz I to brook the separation? But I will cease to harrow the reader's tender bosom. Dry your tears, reader, I will proceed onwards.

The next day we sot off for California, via Salt Lake and Denver.

Jest as we left the tarven at Chicago our mail wuz put in our hands, forwarded by the Jonesville postmaster accordin' to promise; but not a word from my pardner, roustin' up my apprehensions afresh. Had his fond heart broken under the too great strain? Had he passed away callin' on my name?

My tears dribbled down onto my dress waist, though I tried to stanch 'em with my snowy linen handkerchief. Tommy's tears, too, began to fall, seein' which I grabbed holt of Duty's black apron-strings and wuz agin calm on the outside, and handed Tommy a chocolate drop (which healed his woond), although on the inside my heart kep' on a seethin' reservoir of agony and forbodin's.

The next day, as I sot in my comfortable easy chair on the car, knittin' a little, tryin' to take my mind offen trouble and Josiah, Tommy wuz settin' by my side, and Miss Meechim and Dorothy nigh by. Aronette, like a little angel of Help, fixin' the cushions under our feet, brushin' the dust offen her mistresses dresses, or pickin' up my stitches when in my agitation or the jigglin' of the cars I dropped 'em, and a perfect Arabian Night's entertainer to Tommy, who worshipped her, when I hearn a exclamation from Tommy, and the car door shet, and I looked round and see a young man and woman advancin' down the isle. They wuz a bridal couple, that anybody could see. The blessed fact could be seen in their hull personality--dress, demeanor, shinin' new satchels and everything, but I didn't recognize 'em till Tommy sez:

"Oh, grandma, there is Phila Henzy and the man she married!"

Could it be? Yes it wuz Phila Ann Henzy, Philemon Henzy's oldest girl, named for her pa and ma, I knew she wuz married in Loontown the week before. I'd hearn on't, but had never seen the groom, but knew he wuz a young chap she had met to the Buffalo Exposition, and who had courted her more or less ever sence. They seemed real glad to see me, though their manners and smiles and hull demeanors seemed kinder new, somehow, like their clothes. They had hearn from friends in Jonesville that I wuz on my way to California, and they'd been lookin' for me. Sez the groom, with a fond look on her:

"I am so glad we found you, for Baby would have been so disappointed if we hadn't met you."

Baby! Phila Ann wuz six feet high if she wuz a inch, but good lookin' in a big sized way. And he wuz barely five feet, and scrawny at that; but a good amiable lookin' young man. But I didn't approve of his callin' her Baby when she could have carried him easy on one arm and not felt it. The Henzys are all big sized, and Ann, her ma, could always clean her upper buttery shelves without gittin' up in a chair, reach right up from the floor.

But he probable had noble qualities if he wuz spindlin' lookin', or she couldn't adore him as she did. Phila Ann jest worshipped him I could see, and he her, visey versey. Sez she, with a tender look down onto him:

"Yes, I've been tellin' pa how I did hope we should meet you."

Pa! There wuz sunthin' else I didn't approve of; callin' him pa, when the fact that they wuz on their bridal tower wuz stomped on 'em both jest as plain as I ever stomped a pat of butter with clover leaves. But I didn't spoze I could do anything to help or hender, for I realized they wuz both in a state of delirium or trance. But I meditated further as I looked on, it wouldn't probable last no great length of time. The honeymoon would be clouded over anon or before that. The clouds would clear away agin, no doubt, and the sun of Love shine out permanent if their affection for each other wuz cast-iron and sincere. But the light of this magic moon I knew would never shine on 'em agin. The light of that moon makes things look dretful queer and casts strange shadders onto things and folks laugh at it but no other light is so heavenly bright while it lasts. I think so and so duz Josiah.

But to resoom forwards. The groom went somewhere to send a telegram and Phila sot down by me for a spell; their seat wuz further off but she wanted to talk with me. She wuz real happy and confided in me, and remarked "What a lovely state matrimony is."

And I sez, "Yes indeed! it is, but you hain't got fur enough along in marriage gography to bound the state on all sides as you will in the future."

But she smiled blissful and her eyes looked fur off in rapped delight (the light of that moon shin' full on her) as she said:

"What bliss it is for me to know that I have got sunthin' to lean on."

And I thought that it would be sad day for him if she leaned her hull heft, but didn't say so, not knowin' how it would be took.

I inquired all about the neighbors in Jonesville and Zoar and Loontown, and sez I, "I spoze Elder White is still doin' all he can for that meetin' house of hisen in Loontown, and I inquired particular about him, for Ernest White is a young man I set store by. He come from his home in Boston to visit his uncle, the banker, in East Loontown. He wuz right from the German university and college and preachin' school, and he wuz so rich he might have sot down and twiddled his thumbs for the rest of his days. But he had a passion for work--a passion of pity for poor tempted humanity. He wanted to reach down and try to lift up the strugglin' 'submerged tenth.' He wuz a student and disciple of Ruskin, and felt that he must carry a message of helpfulness and beauty into starved lives. And, best of all, he wuz a follower of Jesus, who went about doin' good. When his rich family found that he would be a clergyman they wanted to git him a big city church, and he might have had twenty, for he wuz smart as a whip, handsome, rich, and jest run after in society. But no; he said there wuz plenty to take those rich fat places; he would work amongst the poor, them who needed him."

East Loontown is a factory village, and the little chapel was standin' empty for want of funds, but twenty saloons wuz booming, full of the operatives, who spent all of their spare time and most of their money there. So Ernest White stayed right there and preached, at first to empty seats and a few old wimmen, but as they got to know him, the best young men and young wimmen went, and he filled their hearts with aspiration and hope and beauty and determination to help the world. Not being contented with what he wuz doing he spent half his time with the factory hands, who wuz driven to work by Want, and harried by the mighty foe, Intemperance. A saloon on every corner and block, our twin American idols, Intemperance and Greed, taking every cent of money from the poor worshippers, to pour into the greedy pockets of the saloon-keepers, brewers, whiskey men and the Government, and all who fatten on the corpse of manhood.

Well, he jest threw himself into the work of helping those poor souls, and helping them as he did in sickness and health they got to liking him, so that they wuz willing to go and hear him preach, which was one hard blow to the Demon. The next thing he got all the ministers he could to unite in a Church Union to fight the Liquor Power, and undertaking it in the right way, at the ballot-box, they got it pretty well subdued, and as sane minds begun to reign in healthier bodies, better times come.

Elder White not only preached every Sunday, but kep' his church open every evening of the week, and his boys and girls met there for healthful and innocent amusements. He got a good library, all sorts of good games, music; and had short, interesting lectures and entertainments and his Church of Love rivalled the Idol Temples and drew away its idol worshippers one by one, and besides the ministers, many prominent business men helped him; my son, Thomas J., is forward in helpin' it along. And they say that besides all the good they're doing, they have good times too, and enjoy themselves first-rate evenings. They don't stay out late--that's another thing Elder White is trying to inculcate into their minds--right living in the way of health as well as morals. Every little while he and somebody else who is fitted for it gives short talks on subjects that will help the boys and girls along in Temperance and all good things. The young folks jest worship him, so they say, and I wuz glad to hear right from him. Phila is a worker in his meetin' house, and a active member, and so is her pa and ma, and she said that there wuz no tellin' how much good he had done.

"When he come there," sez she, "there wuz twenty saloons goin' full blast in a village of two thousand inhabitants and the mill operatives wuz spendin' most all they earnt there, leavin' their families to suffer and half starve; but when Elder White opened his Church of Love week day evenin's as well as Sunday, you have no idee what a change there is. There isn't a saloon in the place. He has made his church so pleasant for the young folks that he has drawn away crowds that used to fill the saloons."

"Yes," sez I, "Thomas J. is dretful interested in it; he has gin three lectures there."

"Yes, most all the best citizens have joined the Help Union to fight against the Whiskey Power, though," sez Phila, "there is one or two ministers who are afraid of contaminating their religion by politics. They had ruther stand up in their pulpits and preach to a few wimmen about the old Jews and the patience of Job than take holt and do a man's work in a man's way--the only practical way, grapple with the monster Evil at its lair, where it breeds and fattens--the ballot-box."

"Yes," sez I, "a good many ministers think that they can't descend into the filthy pool of politics. But it hain't reasonable, for how are you a goin' to clean out a filthy place if them that want it clean stand on the bank and hold their noses with one hand, and jester with the other, and quote scripter? And them that don't want it clean are throwin' slime and dirt into it all the time, heapin' up the loathsome filth. Somebody has got to take holt and work as well as pray, if these plague spots and misery breeders are ever purified."

"Well, Elder White is doin' all he can," sez Phila. "He went right to the polls 'lection day and worked all day; for the Whiskey Power wuz all riz up and watchin' and workin' for its life, as you may say, bound to draw back into its clutches some of the men that Elder White, with the Lord's help, had saved. They exerted all their influence, liquor run free all day and all the night before, tryin' to brutalize and craze the men into votin' as the Liquor Power dictated. But Elder White knew what they wuz about, and he and all the earnest helpers he could muster used all their power and influence, and the election wuz a triumph for the Right. East Loontown went no-license, and not a saloon curses its streets to-day. North Loontown, where the minister felt that he wuz too good to touch the political pole, went license, and five more filthy pools wuz opened there for his flock to fall into, to breed vile influences that will overpower all the good influence he can possibly bring to bear on the souls committed to his care."

"But," sez I, "he is writin' his book, 'Commentaries on Ancient Sins,' so he won't sense it so much. He's jest carried away with his work."

Sez Phila, "He had better be actin' out a commentary on modern sins. What business has he to be rakin' over the old ashes of Sodom and Gomorrah for bones of antediluvian sinners, and leave his livin' flock to be burnt and choked by the fire and flames of the present volcano of crime, the Liquor System, that belches forth all the time."

"Well, he wuz made so," sez I.

"Well, he had better git down out of the pulpit," sez Phila, "and let some one git up there who can see a sinner right under his nose, and try to drag him out of danger and ruin, and not have to look over a dozen centuries to find him."

"Well, I am thankful for Ernest White, and I have felt that he and Waitstill Webb wuz jest made for each other. He thinks his eyes of her I know. When she went and nursed the factory hands when the typhoid fever broke out he said 'she wuz like a angel of Mercy.'"

"They said he looked like a angel of Wrath 'lection day," sez Phila. "You know how fair his face is, and how his clear gray eyes seem to look right through you, and through shams and shames of every kind. Well, that day they said his face fairly shone and he did the work of ten men."

"That is because his heart is pure," sez I, "like that Mr. Gallyhed I heard Thomas J. read about; you know it sez:

"'His strength is as the strength of ten Because his heart is pure.'

"And oh!" sez I agin, "how I would love to see him and Waitstill Webb married, and happy."

"So would I," sez Phila. "Oh, it is such a beautiful state, matrimony is."

"And he needs a wife," sez I. "You know he wouldn't stay with his uncle but said he must live with his people who needed him, so he boards there at the Widder Pooler's."

"Yes," sez Phila, "and though she worships him, she had rather any day play the part of Mary than of Martha--she had rather be sittin' at his feet and learnin' of him--than cookin' good nourishin' food and makin' a clean, sweet home for him. But he don't complain."

"What a companion Waitstill would be for him?" I sez agin.

"Yes," sez Phila, "but I don't believe she will ever marry any one, she looks so sad."

"It seems jest if they wuz made for each other," sez I, "and I know he worships the ground she walks on. But I don't know as she will ever marry any one after what she has went through," and I sithed.

"She would marry," sez Phila warmly, "if she knew what a lovely, lovely state it wuz."

How strange it is that some folks are as soft as putty on some subjects and real cute on others. Phila knew enough on any other subject only jest marriage. But I spozed that her brain would harden up on this subject when she got more familiar with it--they generally do. And the light of that moon I spoke on liquefies common sense and a state, putty soft, ensues; but cold weather hardens putty, and I knew that she would git over it. But even as I methought, Phila sez, "I must go to my seat, pa will be lookin' for me." I see Miss Meechim smotherin' a smile on her lace-edged handkerchief, and Dorothy's eyes kinder laughin' at the idee of a bride callin' her husband "pa."

But the groom returned at jest that minute, and I introduced 'em both to Miss Meechim and Dorothy, and we had quite a good little visit. But anon, the groom mentioned incidentally that they wuz a goin' to live in Salt Lake City.

"Why!" sez I in horrow, "you hain't a goin' to jine the Mormons are you?"

And as I said that I see Miss Meechim kinder git Dorothy behind her, as if to protect her from what might be. But I knew there wuzn't no danger from the groom's flirtin' with any other female or tryin' to git 'em sealed to him, for quite a spell I knew that he felt himself as much alone with Baby as if them two wuz on a oasis in the middle of the desert of Sarah. I knew that it would be some months before he waked up to the fact of there bein' another woman in the world. And oh, how Phila scoffed at the idee of pa jinin' the Mormons. They had bought part of a store of a Gentile and wuz goin' to be pardners with him and kinder grow up with the country. I felt that hey wuz a likely couple and would do well, but rememberin' Dorothy's and Miss Meechim's smiles I reached up and stiddied myself on that apron-string of Duty, and took Phila out one side and advised her not to call her bridegroom pa. Sez I, "You hain't but jest married and it don't look well."

And she said that "Her ma always called her father pa."

"Well," sez I, "if you'll take the advice of a old Jonesvillian and well-wisher, you'll wait till you're a few years older before you call him pa."

And she sez, lookin' admirin'ly at him, "I spoze I might call him papa."

Well, you can't put sense into a certain bump in anybody's head if it wuzn't made there in the first place--there are holler places in heads that you can't fill up, do your best. But oh! how her devoted love to him put me in mind of myself, and how his small-sized devotion to her--how it reminded me of him who wuz far away--and oh, why did I not hear from him! my heart sunk nearly into my shues as I foreboded about it. It seemed as if everything brung him up before me, the provisions we had on the dining car wuz good and plenty of 'em, and how they made me think of him, who wuz a good provider. The long, long days and nights of travel, the jar and motion of the cars made me think of him who often wuz restless and oneasy. And even the sand of the desert between Cheyenne and Denver, even that sand brought me fond remembrances of one who wuz sandy complected when in his prime. And oh! when did I not think of him? Christmas had gone by, but how could we celebrate it without a home to set up a Christmas tree, or set out a table with good Jonesville vittles. How I thought on him who made a holiday in my heart by his presence, and always helped me put the leaves in the extension table.

Tommy wanted to hang up his little stockin', and did, hangin' it out like a little red signal of distress over the side of his top shelf, and we filled it with everything good we could git hold on.

Dorothy put in a little silver watch she had bought on her travels, not bigger than a warnut, and Miss Meechim put in some of the toys she had bought for children of her acquaintance. I got a good little picture book for him in Chicago, and a set of Authors, and Aronette gin him two little linen handkerchiefs, hemstitched by herself, and his name, "Tommy," worked in the corners. He wuz real tickled with 'em all. I told Miss Meechim that I had hoped to spend Christmas in Salt Lake City. Knowin' that it wuz a warm climate, I thought I could have a Christmas tree out doors; I thought I could take one of them big pine trees I had read on, and invite Brigham Young's wives, the hull on 'em, to my party, bein' out doors I thought there would be room for 'em all, poor creeters!

But Miss Meechim is very cautious, and she said that she wuz afraid that such a party given by folks in my high position might have a tendency to encourage polygamy.

And I said, "I would rather give a dollar bill than do that, and mebbe I had better give it up, for we shan't git there in time, anyway."

And so I did, and spent the Christmas holidays on the cars, and tried to keep my heart and mind in a Christmas mood, but don't spoze I did, so many fond recollections and sad forebodin's hanted me as the cars swep' us on, on through the valley of the Platte river on to Denver. Miss Meechim, who is a power on dates, said that Denver wuz five thousand two hundred feet above the sea.

And Tommy wonnered, wonnered who measured it, and if they did it with a yard stick as his ma measured cloth, and then he wonnered if his ma missed her little boy, and then he laid up aginst me and kinder cried a little, evanescent grief soon soothed.

We stayed in Denver two days, sallyin' out to different points of interest about it, and here I see irrigation carried on, water carried into the channels around the crops and trees some as I've dug little holes round my house-plants to hold water; only of course Denver wuz carryin' it on, on a bigger scale. It is a handsome city with the water of the Platte river brung in and running along in little streams by the curbstones. We rode out to Idaho Springs on a narrer railroad but easy goin', through Clear Creek Canon. I liked the looks of the Springs first-rate (they made me think of Josiah).

All the way we see Chinamen workin' hard and patient, as is their wont, and their long frocks they had on made me think of him I mourned for, and their hair hangin' in long braids down their back. So would his hair look if he had any, and let it grow.

We had to go a little out of our straight way to visit Salt Lake City but felt that it paid.

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